Muntadar al-Zaida: An American Story

Muntadar al-Zaidi: An American Story
By JT Seravat

So what’s next for the shoe-throwing Iraqi journalist?

So you don’t know or haven’t memorized the name Muntadar al-Zaidi yet?

That’ll change.

Here’s what’s in store for the soon-to-be-famous Iraqi reporter who threw his shoes at President George W. Bush. The man who will soon surpass Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher as 2008’s most insignificant person who was turned into a media darling, celebrity, author, speaker and –dare we say it?

Sarah Palin’s Vice Presidential running mate in 2012.

It will of course all start innocently enough.

A Sports Illustrated columnist will write a humor column about how Muntadar al-Zaidi was pretty accurate with his two throws. He’ll go on about both throws being in the strike zone, how Bush was crowding the plate and how clearly the other Iraqi journalists thought Al-Zaidi was throwing at Bush and that’s why they rushed from their chairs and a brawl ensued. The reporter appears on ESPN the same day.

This story will be noticed by a young public relations guy at the New York Yankees who will tell his boss George Steinbrenner. Steinbrenner, always looking for publicity (good or bad) invites Al-Zaidi to throw out the first pitch at the Yankees first spring training game in Florida in 2009.

After a reporter at AdAge magazine is tipped off about the Yankees story, he calls an agent friend with United Talent Agency and tells him the story.

The agent jumps on the firm’s new Gulfstream G5 jet, recently purchased from General Motors, and heads to Baghdad. A little payoff here and a payoff there and soon Al-Zaidi and his shoes are released into the agent’s personal recognizance and allowed to leave Iraq.

After a few phone calls from the Gulfstream, more than 300 reporters and photographers are waiting at JFK International Airport for the arrival of the agent and Muntadar “The Shoe Thrower” Al-Zaidi.

An exclusive with Matt Lauer of NBC’s Today Show the following morrning and then it’s over to Simon & Schuster to sign the contracts and pick up the $5 million advance check on Al-Zaidi’s book, “Terror in Iraq: The Story of One Brave Journalist and His Shoes.”

At a press conference, the agent tells the drooling media, “Well, there are still many offers coming in for Mr. Al-Zaidi’s services. We can today announce that we have signed an $8 million deal with Nike.”

CBS’ Katie Couric books the 30-minute “serious journalism” interview with Al-Zaidi, which will be aired over 10 nights on the CBS Evening News. (CBS spokesman adds “maybe 12 nights if we can sign Budweiser for the complete run.”)

Al-Zaidi’s left shoe is sold on eBay for $1,389,471.

Al-Zaidi’s agent circulates a rumor that Brittany Spears wishes to meet the journalist and then denies it as “just a rumor.”

Al-Zaidi is seen partying with Madonna and friends at some of NYC’s hottest clubs.

Two days later, Al-Zaidi goes hunting in Alaska with Sarah and “First Dude” Todd Palin. Palin’s people deny there were any discussions about 2012.

All is going well for Al-Zaidi. The next two weeks include an appearance on Letterman, a tentative film deal with Sony, an appearance with Dick Clark on New Year’s Eve and a Middle Eastern cooking segment with Emeril Live.

All the fame and fortune, however, comes to an end Jan. 15.

While appearing with Tom Cruise at a charity event for the Church of Scientology in Los Angeles, a reporter yells out, “O.J. has escaped from prison.”

Indeed O.J. Simpson had escaped from the High Desert State Prison in Indian Springs, Nev.

In a sad ending to the story of Muntadar “The Shoe Thrower” al-Zaidi, he and Cruise are trampled to death by the media running to their vehicles and satellite trucks to find Simpson.

Al-Zaidi’s agent sells the right to his client’s life story to Sony Pictures for $24.6 million.

First published December 16, 2008

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Palin to write a book

Where are Shi Huang and Li Si when you need them?
By JT Tavares

For those of you without a master’s degree in Chinese history, Shi Huang founded the Qin Dynasty in 221 B.C.E., and Li Si served as Huang’s Prime Minister.

More to the point, these guys burned books – lots and lots of books.

Including the books of Confucians.

Confucians were the followers of Chinese philosopher Confucius (551-479 B.C.E.).

He’s the guy who wrote, “Leaning without thought is labor lost; thought with learning is perilous.”

Hard to disagree with that, even in 2008, or in Alaska, or when listening to Sarah Palin speak.

So my question is this: If these guys got to burn Confucius’ books, can’t we start throwing wood and gasoline into 55-gallon barrels and get ready to burn Sarah Palin’s book?

Rumors are circulating that Palin could receive a $7 million advance to “you know, write and well, talking is right about, and if I do talk about writing, I’ll be floating a book writing and projects that, well it’s about the economy and jobs, and then writing.”

If you don’t understand that, just sit back and hallucinate what you think her book might contain.

Timothy O’Leary, who wrote “Confessions of a Hope Fiend” in 1973, was most likely still getting some pretty good LSD flashbacks then. Probably good enough to actually witness then-Soviet Premier Leonid Brezhnev float over his house and through the room where he was writing his book AND he only got a $250,000 advance ($1.2 million in today’s dollars).

Now, of course we can’t burn books, anyone’s book, for reasons even Bill O’Reilly wouldn’t argue with.

So, I have a better idea.

On Jan. 20, 2009, President Barack Obama should issue the following executive order:

“By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, including the pleading and begging of many professional writer and copy editors associations, it is hereby ordered that any Governor of a state in the United States or former Governor of any state in the United States wishing to write a book, shall published said book, written exclusively by that Governor without the aid of anyone. Therefore, the published book shall contain only the thoughts and writings of the Governor without any assistance from other writers, copy editors, proofreaders or ‘third-graders at Gladys Wood Elementary School in Alaska.’ ”

Hell, if Palin agrees to those terms and writes her book without any assistance, I’ll buy it and read it at a Starbucks. That way, there will be someone around to call 911 as I lay on the floor unable to stop laughing.

First published December 11, 2008

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Poor Bill and Hillary

Poor Bill and Hillary

By JT Seravat

They’re in debt.

Secretary of State nominee Hillary Clinton loaned $6.4 million to her campaign to be president and now she, and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, have only a few million left in savings, his $1.162 million in pension and expenses as a former president and her Senate salary. Oh, and don’t forget the millions in book royalties and speaking engagements for the couple.

These folks are in dire straits.

But fortunately for them, facing the hardship of high gas prices, high food prices, potential job layoffs and a mere $191,300 yearly salary for Hillary in her new job as Secretary of State won’t be so difficult.

For they have a friend in President-elect Barack Obama.

He has asked his supporters, you know, people like you and me making $30,000 to $50,00 a year, to spend our money to help pay off Clinton’s campaign debt.

We’ve actually started a fund here at the bar to help Hillary and Bill. Yes, Jimmy, put a big pickle jar up on the bar with a sign on it: “Help Bill and Hillary.” There’s even talk of a poker run. (For those of you unfamiliar with a poker run, think motorcycles driving to various bars, playing cards and alcohol.)

However, Jimmy says the poker run is contingent on Hillary agreeing to come to the poker run, put on a leather vest and leather pants, and ride bitch on Jimmy’s Harley.

I’m in the minority, but I’m telling people I don’t think Hillary will show.

The employees of the bar are having a bake sale in the parking lot Saturday. Cindy, one of the waitresses, is going to make and sell her brownies for $125 for a dozen. Cindy’s brownies are always popular, with that special cannabis spice she puts in them.

She wanted to send one to Bill Clinton, but I told her not to bother because he’d eat it, but he wouldn’t swallow.

We just hope, as I’m sure Americans all over the country hope, that enough money can be raised by Obama to help save his friends, the Clintons, from facing foreclosure on their mansion.

Clinton supporters from across the country have been emailing the Obama campaign and major media outlets for several days now.

To fully understand the depth of the Clinton’s financial problems and the vehement support for fundraising efforts to help the couple, we have decided to share just a few of the hundreds of thousands of e-mails we have seen.

• “After all Hillary’s hard work, it is a shame that she had to spend her own money to try and become president and then have the nomination stolen from her by the white male good ole boys running Obama’s campaign,” Wanda Kline, Wellesley, Mass.

• “Obama’s supporters should donate the entire $6.4 million and then some to poor Hillary to erase her campaign debt,” Stephen Rockfeld, Silver Springs, Md.

• “I heard that Hillary and Bill might be forced to sell one of their homes to pay off the debt. That’s disgraceful. The former King and…I mean, the former president and his wife shouldn’t be forced to live a lesser lifestyle just because Hillary tried to become president,” Janice Wellington, Dayton, Ohio.

•"May God pray for this poor couple that is facing a severe financial crisis. It is a travesty that such a fabulous couple that is so entertaining and graceful should be forced into this horrible situation. Might I add they were also so kind to attend a few of my private dinner parties in the last few years? Please, please send as much money as you can to this destitute couple,” Donald Trump, New York, N.Y.

Well, I believe that gives you a sampling of the outpouring of support for the Clintons.

If you would like to help these poor millionaires, you can call 500-WE-R-RICH or stop by our bar and put your paycheck in the “Help Bill and Hillary” pickle jar. Hell you and your family can go without food for a week – Bill and Hillary need you.

First published December 8, 2008

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Government bailouts

How about trying the old math instead?

By JT Seravat

Seven trillion dollars, give or take a few hundred billion, is the approximate amount the government has given, loaned or pledged to banks, insurance companies, mortgage friends Fannie and Freddie, JP Morgan, WaMu, the Big Three auto manufactures and others.

This must be part of that new math those simpletons like columnists, bloggers and reporters cannot comprehend.

I certainly can't figure it out, at least not with "new math."

Presented with this crisis, I would have applied a version of simple math using complex formulas like addition and multiplication.

The Housing Crisis.

According to a Nov. 13 article on CNNMoney.com, "A total of 936,439 homes have been lost to foreclosure since the housing crisis hit in August, 2007.

So let me sharpen my #2 pencil and get started.

Let's start by rounding off the number of foreclosures to 1,000,000 (1 million).

Although figures differ, the median home price peaked in 2007 at about $247,000. I'll round that up to $ 250,000.

So now, lets see, that's two parts of the formula.

The median monthly payment for a home valued at a median price of $247,000 at a 30-year fixed mortgage at 8 percent interest, with annual property taxes of $3,000, insurance of $1,500 and a .5 percent PMI (private mortgage insurance) would be $2313.58.

Hell, let's round that off to $2500.00

So here we go, the simple math solution.

One million (homes) x $2,500 (monthly payment) x 24 months (two years of payments) = $60,000,000,000 (60 billion dollars).

Throw in another $120 billion in case two million more homes go into foreclosure in the next year, and we have a total bailout of $180 billion.

The auto crisis.

A new vehicle (car or light truck) averaged approximately $31,000.00 in 2007. The auto industry will sell about 3million to 4 million less of them in 2008, when all the numbers are in.

So let's say with taxes, delivery charges, registration and average insurance the car, out the door is $35,000.

So here we go again, the simple math solution.

4 million (vehicles) x $35,000 (cost per vehicle) x each year for two years = $280,000,000,000 (280 billion dollars)

Oh, and then there's the $143.8 billion for American International Group (AIG).

Well I won't dispute them needing all of that money. Hell, just let them have it.

It's insurance and, as we all know, we couldn't figure if they really needed all that money even if we read all 143.8 billion pages of the policy they would write explaining it.

Ok class, so now let's use a little old fashion addition and come up with a total.

-Paying mortgages on 3 million homes for 2 years = $180,000,000,000.
-Buying 4 million vehicles a year for two years = $280,000,000,000.
-And paying AIG a premium because we have to = $143,800,000,000.

Now after having Jethro Bodine check my math, I figure that comes out to $603,800,000,000. ($603.8 billion).

So, obviously I'm missing something here. It couldn't be as simple as this to have fixed the problem. Could it?

By the government standards I'm more than $6,000,000,000,000. short (that's six trillion folks.)

But if the economic crisis was caused by the banking crisis, which was caused by the housing crisis, which was caused by the foreclosure crisis, wouldn't paying people's mortgages have prevented that.

And if the auto industry is on the verge of bankruptcy simply because they are selling 3 million to 4 million fewer vehicles each year than in the past, wouldn't the government buying vehicles prevent that?

It's way to complicated for you or me to understand.

Writing for The American Conservative magazine in October 2008, Eamonn Fingleton said, "Both Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and his key adviser Neel Kashkari, formerly held top jobs at Goldman Sachs, and it seems clear that their highly controversial and, to economic historians, bafflingly unorthodox bailout plan serves Wall Street’s interests — particularly those of their former employer — far more than the American public’s.”

Like, I said, it's way to complicated for you or me to understand.

Perhaps our great-great-grandchildren can figure it out over a big bowl of mac 'n cheese, when they finally pay off the tax bill associated with this latest episode of "greed is good" capitalism.

First published December 1, 2008

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC