A View from the Bar Stool

Government should buy cars

jtseravat@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 19:00:00 +0000

On March 3, 2009 Ford is announcing vehicle sales down 48 percent, Toyota is down 40 percent and General Motors is down more than 50 percent.

GM, Ford and Chrysler have been given billions of dollars and may need more.

A thought for the U.S. government — buy cars.

It worked for Parmesan cheese makers and it can work for automakers.

That's right in December 2008, the Italian government decided to purchase 100,000 wheels of Parmesan cheese to save that industry.

The Italians spent $50 million for the cheese, which was then donated to charities to feed the poor.

So, here's the idea. Don't give the automakers any more money, instead, buy new cars.

Have those cars delivered to a large lot somewhere and maintained until an auto policyholder at AIG has his/her car deemed totaled. Instead of AIG shelling out money for the policyholder to buy a new car, they get one from the U.S. government and give it to the policyholder.

We buy two million cars from the U.S. automakers and a smaller number from foreign automakers who operate plants in this country.

Total cost for the U.S. government would be around $50 billion plus a few tens of millions for storage and transportation costs.

Hell, if we work it right maybe Hillary could work with the Italian Secretary of State to throw in a pack of cheese in exchange for a few deeds to some houses in Florida.

Discrimation Amongst Rich Criminals

jtseravat@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 17:03:00 +0000

The judge in the bail hearing of Sarasota, Fla. hedge fund manager Arthur G. Nadel, has agreed to release Nadel on $5 million bail. However, the arrangement further requires $1 million in cash and the bond must be supported by four "financially responsible people" without a financial connection to the case or to Nadel or his former company.

Nadel,who is charged with one count of securities fraud and one count of wire fraud in a case involving allegedly defrauding investors out of $300 million, is likely to be unable to meet the bail, according to his attorney.

Meanwhile, in Manhattan, Bernie Madoff, who faces similar charges, involving alleged defrauding of investors out of $50 billion, sits comfortably in his $7 million apartment with only the discomfort of an ankle braclet.

And of course somewhere in Florida, a man sits in jail awaiting trial on theft of a six pack of beer, from a local convenience store.

I believe Goddess Liberty, or Lady Liberty if you prefer, is wearing her blindfold in front of courthouses across this country because she can no longer bare to see what justice has become in America.

First published February 27, 2009

Alan "Greedspan"

jtseravat@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 23:09:00 +0000

For those who haven't seen the CNBC David Faber documentary, "House of Cards" or the Frontline "Inside the Meltdown" produced by Michael Kirk, you need to.

Both programs take the time to explain in clear concise terms the undisputable facts of how the banking crisis occurred.

All the rest is just excuses and babble.

When one hears former Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan matter-of-factly says, "...it wasn't that these people were dumb, they knew precisely what was going on, the vast majority of them thought that they knew when to get out. It was a failure of our best and brighest."

Then there was this exchange:

Faber: "These were not poor decisions, these were the worst decisions that financial executives have ever made. Greed runs through this."

Greeenspan: "Absolutely. And your going to pass legislation which is going to outlaw that? Try it.

Faber: "You still firmly believe in the power of free markets?"

Greenspan: "I firmly believe that because I know of nothing in the evidence of the alternatives."

This acceptance by Greenspan, who once admitted not understanding the complexities of the details of how high-risk bundled mortgages could receive triple AAA ratings by Moody's and other rating services speaks to the fundamental problems with an unregulated financial mechanisms.

The trillion-dollar mortgage business was one such mechanisms.

Court documents in the conviction of a Countrywide loan officer in Florida state that when one borrower could not afford a home because of inadequate income, a photo of the man standing in front of his sole proprieter business pickup truck was all the branch manager required to approve the high-risk loan.

Another borrower, a housekeeper, was given a $500,000 plus loan and told to get a couple of renters to live in the spare bedrooms to make the interest only payments.

There are millions of examples of this greed by loan officers, some of whom acting as "salesman" had no formal training.

When Greenspan sarcastically asks if we are going to "legislate that"(greed).

Perhaps we should take his challenge and "try it."

You Do Not Exist

jtseravat@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 19:52:00 +0000

FLORIDA FOLLOWS NEW RULES FROM HOMELAND SECURITY REGARDING ID - DOES IT HAVE FLAWS - WELL YES, A FEW.

Here are the new rules as released by the Sarasota County Tax Collector Barbara Ford - Coates:
"Florida now requires additional documents for people renewing or obtaining their Florida driver license or identification card, according to Sarasota County Tax Collector Barbara Ford-Coates. The changes are required to bring Florida into compliance with the Department of Homeland Security’s Real ID act.

To renew or obtain a license or identification card, residents must now have:

Two proofs of residence such as:

Deed.
Monthly mortgage statement.
Residential rental/lease agreement.
Utility hook-up (or work order) dated within 60 days of the application.

Minors, students, or others without those documents can use school related information.

Proof of your Social Security number such as:

Social Security card.
Tax return.
W-2 form.
Pay check stub.
DD-214 (military discharge document).
School record.

To get a license or identification card for the first time residents also must have:

Two proofs of identity such as:

Valid passport
Out-of-state driver license
Original or certified birth certificate (name on each document must match exactly or be accompanied by an official marriage certificate or court order)

Minors also may use a written statement from parents.

Non-U.S. citizens must provide additional documents such as:

Valid permanent resident card.
Employment authorization card"

Hey Charlie and his friends over at the Department of Motor Vehicles:

Do you people think these things through before you put out this stuff.

For example, likely tens of thousands if not higher number of people are ineligible under the "two proofs of residence." What if they rent an apartment or motel room that has all utilities included so therefore the only one of three options they have is a "residential rental/lease agreement"

As far as the third item, first time residences, well everyone should have or could get a birth certificate. But suppose you didn't have a drivers license in the other state because you are handicapped and don't drive or just didn't want to own a car. And if you never travel to countries that require a passport why would you have one.

Therefore many first-time residents will have only one on the two forms of "proof of identity," their birth certificate.

Really Charlie doesn't anyone proof read this stuff before they issue it as policy.

Bureaucrats gone wild, again.

First published February 17, 2009

Is justice coming?

jtseravat@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 15:31:00 +0000

Perhaps we will come out of this self-inflicted recession soon.

What then?

Do we go back to the same market economy that mutated in the 1980s into a system based on the pressures of ever greater- quarterly profits, constantly rising stock prices, salary and bonus systems for CEOs and upper management based on short term thinking and profiteering?

If banks, auto manufacturers and others realize they can get all the money they need from the U.S. taxpayer if they screw up. Why not start the same flawed practices that made them record profits before the downturn?

Any 18-25 year old whose parents bail them out learns that lesson.

So shouldn't we be planning now to mandate government regulations to control the practices and procedures of corporations gone wild?

According to Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) and Chairman of the Financial Services Committee, the President is planning to do just that.

The NYSE and other exchanges, the pro-business, anti-labor commentators on CNBC and CEOs will be all over the media threatening to hold their breath, scream and roll around on the floor when these controls are announced.

Larry Kudlow will have documented proof that the sky will fall.

If corporate America is so opposed to government regulation that actually works perhaps they should calm down first and eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, to calm their nerves.

Or perhaps they could have a "retention award." That would calm them down.

The problem for corporate American right now is that once again they screwed up so bad that everyone can see them running around naked with nothing but their crown on.

The difference this time is the "barbarians" as they would call working people, are paying attention and they voted in record numbers.

And uh oh, really bad news, this time Spartacus has made it to the throne.

Oops. Time for those CEOs, Hedge Fund managers and investment gurus, (we out here called them felons) to run to their offshore banks, make a withdrawal and head for their villas in countries that have no extradition treaties with the U.S.

Hey Bernie, can you spare a dime?

Muntadar al-Zaida: An American Story

jtseravat@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 16:10:00 +0000

Muntadar al-Zaidi: An American Story
By JT Seravat

So what’s next for the shoe-throwing Iraqi journalist?

So you don’t know or haven’t memorized the name Muntadar al-Zaidi yet?

That’ll change.

Here’s what’s in store for the soon-to-be-famous Iraqi reporter who threw his shoes at President George W. Bush. The man who will soon surpass Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher as 2008’s most insignificant person who was turned into a media darling, celebrity, author, speaker and –dare we say it?

Sarah Palin’s Vice Presidential running mate in 2012.

It will of course all start innocently enough.

A Sports Illustrated columnist will write a humor column about how Muntadar al-Zaidi was pretty accurate with his two throws. He’ll go on about both throws being in the strike zone, how Bush was crowding the plate and how clearly the other Iraqi journalists thought Al-Zaidi was throwing at Bush and that’s why they rushed from their chairs and a brawl ensued. The reporter appears on ESPN the same day.

This story will be noticed by a young public relations guy at the New York Yankees who will tell his boss George Steinbrenner. Steinbrenner, always looking for publicity (good or bad) invites Al-Zaidi to throw out the first pitch at the Yankees first spring training game in Florida in 2009.

After a reporter at AdAge magazine is tipped off about the Yankees story, he calls an agent friend with United Talent Agency and tells him the story.

The agent jumps on the firm’s new Gulfstream G5 jet, recently purchased from General Motors, and heads to Baghdad. A little payoff here and a payoff there and soon Al-Zaidi and his shoes are released into the agent’s personal recognizance and allowed to leave Iraq.

After a few phone calls from the Gulfstream, more than 300 reporters and photographers are waiting at JFK International Airport for the arrival of the agent and Muntadar “The Shoe Thrower” Al-Zaidi.

An exclusive with Matt Lauer of NBC’s Today Show the following morrning and then it’s over to Simon & Schuster to sign the contracts and pick up the $5 million advance check on Al-Zaidi’s book, “Terror in Iraq: The Story of One Brave Journalist and His Shoes.”

At a press conference, the agent tells the drooling media, “Well, there are still many offers coming in for Mr. Al-Zaidi’s services. We can today announce that we have signed an $8 million deal with Nike.”

CBS’ Katie Couric books the 30-minute “serious journalism” interview with Al-Zaidi, which will be aired over 10 nights on the CBS Evening News. (CBS spokesman adds “maybe 12 nights if we can sign Budweiser for the complete run.”)

Al-Zaidi’s left shoe is sold on eBay for $1,389,471.

Al-Zaidi’s agent circulates a rumor that Brittany Spears wishes to meet the journalist and then denies it as “just a rumor.”

Al-Zaidi is seen partying with Madonna and friends at some of NYC’s hottest clubs.

Two days later, Al-Zaidi goes hunting in Alaska with Sarah and “First Dude” Todd Palin. Palin’s people deny there were any discussions about 2012.

All is going well for Al-Zaidi. The next two weeks include an appearance on Letterman, a tentative film deal with Sony, an appearance with Dick Clark on New Year’s Eve and a Middle Eastern cooking segment with Emeril Live.

All the fame and fortune, however, comes to an end Jan. 15.

While appearing with Tom Cruise at a charity event for the Church of Scientology in Los Angeles, a reporter yells out, “O.J. has escaped from prison.”

Indeed O.J. Simpson had escaped from the High Desert State Prison in Indian Springs, Nev.

In a sad ending to the story of Muntadar “The Shoe Thrower” al-Zaidi, he and Cruise are trampled to death by the media running to their vehicles and satellite trucks to find Simpson.

Al-Zaidi’s agent sells the right to his client’s life story to Sony Pictures for $24.6 million.

First published December 16, 2008

Palin to write a book

jtseravat@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 19:49:00 +0000

Where are Shi Huang and Li Si when you need them?
By JT Tavares

For those of you without a master’s degree in Chinese history, Shi Huang founded the Qin Dynasty in 221 B.C.E., and Li Si served as Huang’s Prime Minister.

More to the point, these guys burned books – lots and lots of books.

Including the books of Confucians.

Confucians were the followers of Chinese philosopher Confucius (551-479 B.C.E.).

He’s the guy who wrote, “Leaning without thought is labor lost; thought with learning is perilous.”

Hard to disagree with that, even in 2008, or in Alaska, or when listening to Sarah Palin speak.

So my question is this: If these guys got to burn Confucius’ books, can’t we start throwing wood and gasoline into 55-gallon barrels and get ready to burn Sarah Palin’s book?

Rumors are circulating that Palin could receive a $7 million advance to “you know, write and well, talking is right about, and if I do talk about writing, I’ll be floating a book writing and projects that, well it’s about the economy and jobs, and then writing.”

If you don’t understand that, just sit back and hallucinate what you think her book might contain.

Timothy O’Leary, who wrote “Confessions of a Hope Fiend” in 1973, was most likely still getting some pretty good LSD flashbacks then. Probably good enough to actually witness then-Soviet Premier Leonid Brezhnev float over his house and through the room where he was writing his book AND he only got a $250,000 advance ($1.2 million in today’s dollars).

Now, of course we can’t burn books, anyone’s book, for reasons even Bill O’Reilly wouldn’t argue with.

So, I have a better idea.

On Jan. 20, 2009, President Barack Obama should issue the following executive order:

“By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, including the pleading and begging of many professional writer and copy editors associations, it is hereby ordered that any Governor of a state in the United States or former Governor of any state in the United States wishing to write a book, shall published said book, written exclusively by that Governor without the aid of anyone. Therefore, the published book shall contain only the thoughts and writings of the Governor without any assistance from other writers, copy editors, proofreaders or ‘third-graders at Gladys Wood Elementary School in Alaska.’ ”

Hell, if Palin agrees to those terms and writes her book without any assistance, I’ll buy it and read it at a Starbucks. That way, there will be someone around to call 911 as I lay on the floor unable to stop laughing.

First published December 11, 2008

Poor Bill and Hillary

jtseravat@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:39:00 +0000

Poor Bill and Hillary

By JT Seravat

They’re in debt.

Secretary of State nominee Hillary Clinton loaned $6.4 million to her campaign to be president and now she, and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, have only a few million left in savings, his $1.162 million in pension and expenses as a former president and her Senate salary. Oh, and don’t forget the millions in book royalties and speaking engagements for the couple.

These folks are in dire straits.

But fortunately for them, facing the hardship of high gas prices, high food prices, potential job layoffs and a mere $191,300 yearly salary for Hillary in her new job as Secretary of State won’t be so difficult.

For they have a friend in President-elect Barack Obama.

He has asked his supporters, you know, people like you and me making $30,000 to $50,00 a year, to spend our money to help pay off Clinton’s campaign debt.

We’ve actually started a fund here at the bar to help Hillary and Bill. Yes, Jimmy, put a big pickle jar up on the bar with a sign on it: “Help Bill and Hillary.” There’s even talk of a poker run. (For those of you unfamiliar with a poker run, think motorcycles driving to various bars, playing cards and alcohol.)

However, Jimmy says the poker run is contingent on Hillary agreeing to come to the poker run, put on a leather vest and leather pants, and ride bitch on Jimmy’s Harley.

I’m in the minority, but I’m telling people I don’t think Hillary will show.

The employees of the bar are having a bake sale in the parking lot Saturday. Cindy, one of the waitresses, is going to make and sell her brownies for $125 for a dozen. Cindy’s brownies are always popular, with that special cannabis spice she puts in them.

She wanted to send one to Bill Clinton, but I told her not to bother because he’d eat it, but he wouldn’t swallow.

We just hope, as I’m sure Americans all over the country hope, that enough money can be raised by Obama to help save his friends, the Clintons, from facing foreclosure on their mansion.

Clinton supporters from across the country have been emailing the Obama campaign and major media outlets for several days now.

To fully understand the depth of the Clinton’s financial problems and the vehement support for fundraising efforts to help the couple, we have decided to share just a few of the hundreds of thousands of e-mails we have seen.

• “After all Hillary’s hard work, it is a shame that she had to spend her own money to try and become president and then have the nomination stolen from her by the white male good ole boys running Obama’s campaign,” Wanda Kline, Wellesley, Mass.

• “Obama’s supporters should donate the entire $6.4 million and then some to poor Hillary to erase her campaign debt,” Stephen Rockfeld, Silver Springs, Md.

• “I heard that Hillary and Bill might be forced to sell one of their homes to pay off the debt. That’s disgraceful. The former King and…I mean, the former president and his wife shouldn’t be forced to live a lesser lifestyle just because Hillary tried to become president,” Janice Wellington, Dayton, Ohio.

•"May God pray for this poor couple that is facing a severe financial crisis. It is a travesty that such a fabulous couple that is so entertaining and graceful should be forced into this horrible situation. Might I add they were also so kind to attend a few of my private dinner parties in the last few years? Please, please send as much money as you can to this destitute couple,” Donald Trump, New York, N.Y.

Well, I believe that gives you a sampling of the outpouring of support for the Clintons.

If you would like to help these poor millionaires, you can call 500-WE-R-RICH or stop by our bar and put your paycheck in the “Help Bill and Hillary” pickle jar. Hell you and your family can go without food for a week – Bill and Hillary need you.

First published December 8, 2008

Government bailouts

jtseravat@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 21:09:00 +0000

How about trying the old math instead?

By JT Seravat

Seven trillion dollars, give or take a few hundred billion, is the approximate amount the government has given, loaned or pledged to banks, insurance companies, mortgage friends Fannie and Freddie, JP Morgan, WaMu, the Big Three auto manufactures and others.

This must be part of that new math those simpletons like columnists, bloggers and reporters cannot comprehend.

I certainly can't figure it out, at least not with "new math."

Presented with this crisis, I would have applied a version of simple math using complex formulas like addition and multiplication.

The Housing Crisis.

According to a Nov. 13 article on CNNMoney.com, "A total of 936,439 homes have been lost to foreclosure since the housing crisis hit in August, 2007.

So let me sharpen my #2 pencil and get started.

Let's start by rounding off the number of foreclosures to 1,000,000 (1 million).

Although figures differ, the median home price peaked in 2007 at about $247,000. I'll round that up to $ 250,000.

So now, lets see, that's two parts of the formula.

The median monthly payment for a home valued at a median price of $247,000 at a 30-year fixed mortgage at 8 percent interest, with annual property taxes of $3,000, insurance of $1,500 and a .5 percent PMI (private mortgage insurance) would be $2313.58.

Hell, let's round that off to $2500.00

So here we go, the simple math solution.

One million (homes) x $2,500 (monthly payment) x 24 months (two years of payments) = $60,000,000,000 (60 billion dollars).

Throw in another $120 billion in case two million more homes go into foreclosure in the next year, and we have a total bailout of $180 billion.

The auto crisis.

A new vehicle (car or light truck) averaged approximately $31,000.00 in 2007. The auto industry will sell about 3million to 4 million less of them in 2008, when all the numbers are in.

So let's say with taxes, delivery charges, registration and average insurance the car, out the door is $35,000.

So here we go again, the simple math solution.

4 million (vehicles) x $35,000 (cost per vehicle) x each year for two years = $280,000,000,000 (280 billion dollars)

Oh, and then there's the $143.8 billion for American International Group (AIG).

Well I won't dispute them needing all of that money. Hell, just let them have it.

It's insurance and, as we all know, we couldn't figure if they really needed all that money even if we read all 143.8 billion pages of the policy they would write explaining it.

Ok class, so now let's use a little old fashion addition and come up with a total.

-Paying mortgages on 3 million homes for 2 years = $180,000,000,000.
-Buying 4 million vehicles a year for two years = $280,000,000,000.
-And paying AIG a premium because we have to = $143,800,000,000.

Now after having Jethro Bodine check my math, I figure that comes out to $603,800,000,000. ($603.8 billion).

So, obviously I'm missing something here. It couldn't be as simple as this to have fixed the problem. Could it?

By the government standards I'm more than $6,000,000,000,000. short (that's six trillion folks.)

But if the economic crisis was caused by the banking crisis, which was caused by the housing crisis, which was caused by the foreclosure crisis, wouldn't paying people's mortgages have prevented that.

And if the auto industry is on the verge of bankruptcy simply because they are selling 3 million to 4 million fewer vehicles each year than in the past, wouldn't the government buying vehicles prevent that?

It's way to complicated for you or me to understand.

Writing for The American Conservative magazine in October 2008, Eamonn Fingleton said, "Both Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and his key adviser Neel Kashkari, formerly held top jobs at Goldman Sachs, and it seems clear that their highly controversial and, to economic historians, bafflingly unorthodox bailout plan serves Wall Street’s interests — particularly those of their former employer — far more than the American public’s.”

Like, I said, it's way to complicated for you or me to understand.

Perhaps our great-great-grandchildren can figure it out over a big bowl of mac 'n cheese, when they finally pay off the tax bill associated with this latest episode of "greed is good" capitalism.

First published December 1, 2008

Here we go again

jtseravat@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 17:16:00 +0000

Here we go again?

By JT Seravat

"Read my lips, no new taxes," was the now infamous line written by Peggy Noonan for President George H. Bush in 1988 which he delivered during his acceptance speech at the Republican Convention. A campaign promise he broke once in office. The reason given for the change was the necessity to reduce the national deficit.

"I think that it would be irresponsible for any president of the United States ever not to respond to changing circumstances," said President Bill Clinton in 1993, a year after his election and two years after his campaign promise to lower middle class taxes, although never making a definitive "read my lips..." statement to do so.

Here we go again?

The New York Times in an article, by Jackie Calmes and Jeff Zeleny, "Obama Vows Swift Action on Vast Economic Stimulus" report that, "In light of the downturn, Mr. Obama is also said to be reconsidering a key campaign pledge: his proposal to repeal the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans. According to several people familiar with the discussions, he might instead let those tax cuts expire as scheduled in 2011, effectively delaying any tax increase while he gives his stimulus plan a chance to work."

As President-elect Obama appoints cabinet members from the center and center-right of the Democratic Party, he risks, early on, alienating progressives, who, in some cases, figuratively, awoke from the dead to participate and hope once more.

On Nov. 6, 2008 John Sweeney, President of the AFL-CIO said, "Barack Obama brings new hope to America’s working families, and our increased majority in the U.S. Senate means we can translate that hope into reality."

Will Mr. Sweeney hopes have been realized when he looks back in January of 2009?

In his 1985 book, "Presidents and Promises: From Campaign Pledge to Presidential Performance." Jeff Fishel, he concludes the Presidents Kennedy, Nixon, Ford, Carter and Reagan kept on average just 66 percent of their campaign promises.

Will we once again have "reasons" why the newest President-elect cannot keep a fundamental promise almost two months before he takes office?

And will mainstream and progressive democrats stay-the -course and hope for the best or will they interpret the "reasons" for Mr. Obama's change as nothing more than the same old "excuses" they have heard before.

Like the reasoning of President Bill Clinton's chief poll taker, Stanley Greenberg, who told the New York Times in February 1993 after Clinton proposed a tax increase on the middle class, after promising tax cuts during the campaign.

"Voters never believed in the middle-class tax cut, because they have never seen anyone get a tax cut. They always believed their taxes would go up whether Bill Clinton became President or George Bush was President."

Enter the Palinites

jtseravat@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 21:52:00 +0000

Enter the Palinites

By JT Seravat

I love seeing a Sarah Palin quote in writing. It makes me realize that I wasn’t losing my hearing or going insane when I listened to her actually say it.

"My concern has been the atrocities there in Darfur and the relevance to me with that issue as we spoke about Africa and some of the countries there that were kind of the people succumbing to the dictators and the corruption of some collapsed governments on the continent, the relevance was Alaska’s investment in Darfur with some of our permanent fund dollars...Never, ever did I talk about, well, gee, is it a country or a continent, I just don’t know about this issue.”

But, not to worry; to paraphrase an old self-help book, You’re OK, She’s NUTS.

No one will bother to count whether more words or air time will, when all is said and done (if it ever ends), have been given to Republican vice presidential candidate Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin than to any previous candidate for that office.

The Republican ticket’s loss means, hopefully, that Palin will someday be only a footnote. Her name will be resurrected, as her candidacy resurrected former vice president Dan Quayle, if and when another Palin-type is nominated for one of the two highest offices in the United States.

But, hell, picking on Sarah Palin is as easy as Daytona police officers making public intoxication arrests during Spring Break.

Perhaps there is something much more valuable that we can learn from Sarah Palin than how to laugh really hard and still keep breathing.

People considered for and hired for jobs without, say, less than the intellectual skills necessary, are dangerous to the world.

Sarah Palin clearly does not know her limitations, and perhaps a weekend with “Dirty Harry” to teach her some boundaries wouldn’t be a bad idea.

But, once again, picking on Palin – however irresistible – misses the point.

Although there are indications that she may have sought out the job indirectly, it was John McCain and other intelligent people in his campaign who hired her.

No one could have reasonably argued at the time (or now) that she was qualified or ready to be a “heartbeat” or a “coherent sentence” away from becoming president.

So why hire her?

She was charismatic, good looking, energetic, could repeat a few talking points with parrot-like precision, was accomplished socially and had good taste in clothes.

This is the Sarah Palin Era.

An era in which men and women who possess these qualities alone are hired to do some of our most important work.

Journalism, politics, business and other fields hire these people. Their bosses praise them. For, in the short term, these Palinites bring them the illusion of making more money or attaining more power.

In the long term, when they are hired for positions that affect their communities, states or countries, they damage those communities, states and countries and their reputations.

They are hired because they work for lower wages, their appearances will increase ratings, their salesmanship skills allow them to sell $500,000 houses to people who can’t possibly afford them, or their persuasive personalities allow them to convince others that slightly illegal manipulation of financial markets for their company’s short-term profit is a good thing.

Of course, these people are not new in this country. They’ve been around for decades – some would argue a lot longer than that.

The style-over-substance people — hell, some have even been elected president, twice.

But if we as a society have reached a point that smart people like John McCain thought it was good strategy to hire Sarah Palin to be the vice presidential candidate, that could be a problem.

If the trend continues and, some day, a Sarah Palin-type gets elected president, the 2008 financial upheaval on Wall Street and Main Street will look like a simple historical fender-bender compared with the disasters to come.

“I don’t not, you think, well, you know it could might be, if the time and when it was possible, indeed, that a hockey puck hit, well, ok, you betcha…the good ole U.S of A.”

Beware the future when Palinites rule the world.

First published November 17, 2008

No floods in Fallujah

jtseravat@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 17:25:00 +0000

No floods in Fallujah

By JT Seravat

"Shirley, damn it, you're out of peanuts, again."

"Oh shut up JT and read you're damn paper," said Shirley, my beloved bartender.

“Well, we are really sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, but the U.S. government can’t afford to give you a grant of $32,407 to clean out and rebuild your flooded home here in Iowa because we are spending that amount every 10 seconds on our war in Iraq,” said a Federal Emergency Management Agency spokesman, who refused to give his name to the Johnsons.

Quotes like this are why I shouldn't read newspapers.

See, I hate to point out that residents who have lost everything in several Midwestern states cannot have the help of their own government to rebuild their lives because their government is too busy trying to rebuild the electrical grid in Iraq – the same grid that our government destroyed in the invasion and the same one that, after we do rebuild, insurgents attack and destroy over and over again, but I will.

The Johnsons, like those of us here at the bar, use common sense when looking at problems like flooding.

This is disturbing to neoconservatives and the current administration.

“Joe and his wife don’t understand the larger global ramifications of our government’s policies,” said one of those “neocons,” who refused to be identified due to fear of reprisals from reasonable Americans.

To help us better understand the “larger global ramifications,” we contacted former bar patron Tom Claulewis, now third-grade math teacher at Jefferson Elementary School in Clinton, Illinois.

We presented the former barstooler, now teacher, with the numbers involved and asked him to come up with a formula that could explain the larger economic problems and a possible solution.

We told Claulewis that the United States is spending approximately $100 million a month on rebuilding the infrastructure, or roughly $1 billion a year, resulting in a yearly budget deficit, with other government expenses of $244 billion.

The Iraqis, mainly through the sale of oil, have recently been able to build up a surplus of $76 billion, which is deposited in U.S. banks.

Now, we admit we had to speculate on the interest rate one would get for $76 billion in the bank. Frank, a welder at the end of the bar, advised us that his mother has $15,000 in the bank and she gets a 4.8 percent annual interest on her money.

We’re assuming that if you have $75,000,085,000 more than Frank’s mother in your local bank, you are most likely to get a higher interest rate, let’s say, 10 percent.

We turned the info over to math teacher Claulewis, who, by the way, finished second in the 1997 Math Teacher of the Year competition in Illinois, and let him get to work.

After five minutes at the blackboard, Claulewis called back with an answer for us.

“It would seem to me that the most economical method to solve this problem would be for the Iraqis to use some of the $760 million they earn in interest each year to rebuild their own country and have the United States use our money to help Americans,” he reported.

We sent Claulewis’ findings to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolton and Secretary of State Dr. Condoleezza Rice.

We received a joint press release from the State, Treasury departments and the White House.
We quote it below in its entirety; because since, after reading it 14 times we couldn't understand it we couldn't paraphrase it.

“Your government appreciates the input of groups and individuals, including America’s teachers and the less fortunate unemployed writers who spend most of their days on bar stools. The capital augmenting relative to the gamma distribution formula as a part of the Americanist bias and the use of asymptotic variance in math teacher Tom Claulewis’ formulations are interesting and in need of further study."

“Therefore, an independent advisory committee is being formed that will bring together some of the leading mathematicians, sociologists, economists and university professors from other fields who are in need of paid government advisory positions to study this complex problem.”

“The Secretaries of State and Treasury have agreed to ask this special advisory committee to report back no later than May 2018, at which time careful consideration will be given to the findings of said committee.”

“The President has personally through his 'Assistant Junior Aide for Passing Messages to other Assistants' advised me to thank you for you patriotic interest in this nation’s future.”

The release was signed by Edmund D. Egdum, Junior Undersecretary for Public Response, Office of Inquiries, State Department, United States of America.

Two plus two equals four. Three plus three equals six. Four plus four equals eight…

First published June 16, 2008

Crude

jtseravat@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:39:00 +0000

Crude

By JT Seravat

“Hey, Shirley, I’ll have a draft, a shot of Jack Daniels and a barrel of Texas Light Crude.”

“There you go, JT. That’ll be $142.85, or do you want me to start you a tab, darling?”

“Shirley, you’ve got to be kidding. I don't mind paying $140. for a barrel of Texas Light Crude, but $2.85 for a shot and a beer — that's outrageous. Did you guys raise your prices again?”

OK, here it is, a few possible solutions to the high price of oil, which I’ll be forwarding to the White House.

First, invade Venezuela, win the peace and give the country to the top ten brokerage firms and hedge funds that drive the price of oil up every day. I think owning their own country with the agreement they not raise the price of oil tomorrow by another $4.50 due to a rumor that the cashier at the Exxon station in Piscataway, N.J., has not gone to the bathroom in two days is a fair deal.

Second, surround the New York Mercantile Exchange (NYMEX) with New York City cops and a few SWAT teams. Bring in an FBI hostage negotiator to find out what the speculation traders really want and agree to their demands if they promise not to trade oil again. As 50 guys in $12,000 suits leave on a bus to the airport, each holding a Hermes carbon fiber briefcase with $500, million in diamonds in it and a Heidi Klum look-alike on his arm, we can be confident that oil prices will come down tomorrow. Oh, and we can all wave goodbye as they fly off on their very own Gulfstream G650.

Lastly, leaders of national organizations whose members are affected by the high price of oil and gas, including AFL-CIO President John Sweeney, Air Transport Association of America President James C. May, National Retail Federation Chief Economist Rosiland Wells, Owner-Operator Independent Drivers Association President Jim Johnston, National Federation of Independent Business President Todd Stottlemyer and American Hotel and Lodging Association President Joseph A. McInerney, should go to Washington, D.C., and demand that controls be put on speculation trading in all commodities, including oil and gas.

Well, Shirley, my bartender, liked the first two ideas — she thought they were funny.

She didn’t like the last one, although she did wonder out loud why those groups wouldn’t do just what I suggested and force people in power to do something so she wouldn’t have to pay $4.22 a gallon for gas.

I was sorry to have to explain to her that it wasn’t that simple.

See, we live under a free market capitalistic society, and the government can’t go around regulating these speculators if they want to drive up the price of oil and gasoline.

You can’t have government passing laws to stop some poor commodity trader sitting on the 30th floor of The Holdemup Brothers firm’s commodity trading desk from driving up the price of oil to $300 a barrel if that’s what the market will bear; it’s un-American.

Shirley said if that was true that it was un-American to pass such a law, how come they could pass a law to arrest Frank last week for stealing a carton of cigarettes from the Pic-n-Save and sentence him to 60 days in county jail?

Good question.

First published June 29, 2008

jtseravat@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 00:48:00 +0000