Maroon hat ladies gone wild

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Oldsville, Fla. (SWG) - The Maroon Hat Ladies were out in force this weekend for their lovely "Annual Downtown Stroll" in this retirement city of 52.937. If you are unfamiliar with the group they are a group of senior women who believe when the get older they are free to do whatever they wish. It is normally a peaceful social group.

The Hatters who came from as far away as Carpman, Fla numbered in the hundreds. In the morning the Hatters enjoyed food, arts and craft vendors and various musicians.

"A wonderful morning, just wonderful." said Assistant Head Hatter Millie Constance.

Many of the Hatters carried single roses that were provided by Lionthrone Florists. Singing could be heard all over our lovely downtown area of Oldsville.

So just how the riot started is unclear.

But after the rioting ended around 8 p.m. 87 Hatters had been arrested, 22 of those with minor injuries. An additional 34 Hatters were treated at the Oldsville For Profit Hospital and released.

SWG was able to speak with several witnesses.

The most credible of these witnesses seem to be Gertrude Yupper.

"I seen the whole thing. It was bout 3 p.m. a cop stopped that poor women for jaywalking with her ice cream cone. When the copper wrote her a ticket, she ripped it up and threw it in the air. The copper must have called for backup cause two minutes later three more coppers show up and they handcuff that poor women right there in the middle of the street. It was terrible." said Yupper.

Putting together the stories of other witnesses what happened next escalated the arrest into a riot.

As six Oldsville Police Department officers tried to remove the arrested women from the scene, dozens of Hatters began beating the officers with umbrellas, hairbrushes, false teeth and anything else they could use as a weapon.

OPD let the first tear gas canister fly into the crowd at 4:13 p.m.

Hatters, some of them apparently relying on things they had learned in the 1960s, began tossing Molotav Cocktails at the police.

"Oh yeah, I saw it," said local business owner Vern Hosselman, "The Hatters broke into the R&G wine shop. They emptied those bottles of wine, while another group ran them over to the gas station. Then, well... it was just one explosion after the next."

OPD riot officers seemed to be gaining the upper hand around 6 p.m.

But then with yet another surge, the crowd of Maroon Hatters forced the police to retreat.

"They threw everything at us on that last surge of the line. A veteran officer was taken down by a "walker" to the knee caps. He would have been beaten to death by those canes, if we hadn't surged forward to surround and rescue him." said OPD LT. Dave Merlow.

It remained quiet for another hour and a half as both sides rested.

But at 7:42 p.m. the silence was broken. Flairs lit up downtown. From all corners of Bicentennial Park Oldsville firefighters sprayed the crowd with water. Over 100 officers from OPD and other agencies rushed the crowd of old ladies firing hundreds of rounds of jelly beans, subduing them.

A smoked filled downtown obscured a full moon as complete silence gripped both sides and calm was restored to our lovely city.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember to bring your gas mask and wear your jelly bean proof vest when you come to next weekend's "Art's for Art's Sake" festival here in Oldsville.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Pelitle,Fla. where the local school district is making some drastic changes to improve student test scores.

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC