New teaching techniques

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Pelitile, Fla. (SWG) - Improving high school student aptitude scores was a top priority for Larry Washington when he was hired as school superintendent in this town 0f 23,981 in the panhandle of Florida.

Washington wasted no time in preparing to implement a program he feels will bring about the changes that parents are looking for in improving their students abilities.

"I have consulted with experts from all over the South and am convinced that this element of my new 'You Will Learn' program will be successful," said Washington last week.

Washington was at the Pelitile High School on Tuesday to announce his the specifics of his program and to implement the first of many changes he feels will work to improve student learning and improve their scores on statewide tests.

The first step of Washington's bold plan — installation of lasers in all classrooms.

“It is imperative that we use every tool available to improve our state test scores. As you know, the school district with the highest test scores receives millions in state aid. This money is critical in not only improving our schools, but also guaranteeing large raises for myself and my inner circle,” said Washington.

According Teddy “Big Mac” Cortland, director of advanced technology for the Pelitile School District, the lasers emit a thin beam which results in a mild shock, and a burning sensation to a students skin when they are hit by it.

Teachers will use the lasers on students during practice testing for the state exams.

Each teacher will have a remote targeting/firing device to hit students with a beam when they get an incorrect answer, thus aiding them in the learning process,” said Cortland.

The mayor, city counselors, county commissioners and distinguished guests were on hand to witness a demonstration of the device after the superintendent’s press conference.

Rhonda Getterman, the principal of Pelitile High School and a rather attractive principal as principals go volunteered her son Rufus to be tested by, what Washington has termed, "a new learning device."

SWG has learned that Getterman volunteered her son after Washington called Getterman to remind her that her contract as principal of PHS expires at the end of this school year.

Rufus is a junior at EHS, sporting a black eye, which he said he received when "he fell", sat in the test chair while dozens of dignitaries looked on.

Someone from the crowd yelled, " We’re proud of you, Rufus" just as Teddy “Big Mac” Cortland pressed the remote and fired on the young Rufus.

Washington was heard screaming, "Shut it off, dammit, shut it off" as people screamed, trampling each other to get out of the classroom.

Speaking in front of Pelitile For Profit Hospital later in the day Washington had this to say, "We are pleased to announce that Rufus is expected to recover fully from the unfortunate accident which occurred this morning and I think it is important we stay focused on the positive news. Rufus was able to recite all the Presidents of the United States in order this afternoon. He has become smarter and doctors feel the shaking and twitching the young man is experience should dissapate over time."

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember students, bring a mirror or wrap yourself in heavy aluminum foil before attending classes tomorrow at PHS.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Lemonville, Fla. where a longtime city activist has apparently been working too hard.

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC