Pigs attack
As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation
Next, I'll blog all over you from the lovely center of the state to Ecineville, Fla. where Christmas boats may be under attack.
So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.
By JT Seravat
Turletown, Fla. (SWG) - Citizens of this town of 11,392 woke up to an unusual crisis this past Tuesday.
"No matter how you look at it, 874 pigs, each weighing between 200 and 400 pounds, wandering through the city, is a problem.," said Turtletown Police Chief Edna Wahwah.
The first 9-1-1 call came in at 4:53 a.m. when Christina Badside reported that six pigs were walking in a line on the sidewalk in front of her home at 22 Doublewe Ave. in Turtletown.
A police unit was dispatched to the scene.
Turtletown Police Officer Teddy Position radioed dispatch at 5:07 a.m. reporting he had arrived on scene and there were dozen of large pigs everywhere.
"The next thing you here on the tape is a scream and the words, 'Wait don't, no no...' then the dispatcher saying, 'Teddy, are you there Teddy' and then silence," said Turtletown Police Public Information Brittany Speckles.
All available units were rushed to the scene and all officers not on duty were called in.
Five 18-wheel pig-hauling trucks were found outside of The Event, the new 24-hour men's club, located just west of the Walson Church of Christ.
The back doors of the trucks were open and the ramps lowered.
The five truck drivers were inside The Event "talking" with some of the "dancers" and were at a loss as to how the trucks were opened.
"We've been in here "visiting" with the young ladies since 1 a.m. and don't have any idea how our trucks were opened," said one driver who would not give his name although he looked a lot like Pat Fartsong, who lives over in Gettle, Fla. with his wife Edna and their four children.
Daylight revealed the magnitude of the pig problem when the Lepsock County Sheriff's Office hang glider did a fly-over (LCSO was forced to sell their helicopter late in 2007 due to budget cuts).
"What I was wondering is how are we going to round up hundreds of pigs? I mean from the air, well, the pigs stretched out over a 9.12 square-mile area. They were everywhere," said LCSO hang glider pilot Wilber Hangmehigh.
Apparently before dawn more than 50 pigs had wandered over the Turtletown Bridge. The pigs were blocking north and southbound rush hour traffic on U.S. 24 Bypass as police and volunteers chased the pigs — and in some cases the pigs chased them.
The bridges had been raised to prevent any more pigs from wandering off onto the highway. Traffic was backed up for miles.
"Are you out of your mind?" was Turtletown Mayor Joe Manego's response to suggestion the 50-caliber machine guns be brought in from the Lepsock County National Guard Amory to slaughter the pigs.
Manego also rejected the idea of using the Army's AH-64 A/D Apache Attack Helicopter that was at the Turtletown Municipal Airport for this weekend's Veteran's Day celebration.
Instead, Manego contacted famed Pig Expert Bert Hanley of Burtude County Community College in Burtrude County, Mont.
Hanley suggested a pig jam to round up the sounder of pigs.
"Yes, I would say with more than 800 pigs on the loose, I would use a pig jam."
"It was first used quite effectively in Rogainnen, Norway," Hanley continued, "At that time, more than 2,100 pigs escaped from a pig rehabilitation farm. If the authorities hadn't come up with the pig jam idea, those pigs could have overrun Yougagin Castle."
According to Hanley, Norweigen scientists and a lower-secondary school music teacher, Asbjorn Zacharissen, determined the pigs will walk toward the sounds of a band consisting of two accordians, a soprano yodeling, a man banging an aluminum garbage can with his wooden leg and three reporters banging their heads against a wall. A rather odd "band."
Who could know?
Turtletown authorities wasted no time forming the band.
Using large amplifiers, the "band" started playing, and within an hour all 874 pigs were rounded up and back in the trucks.
And in the new American tradition of untalented, unqualified and untrained people rising to the top of American culture, the "band" now known as "The Swine Sounders" has been invited to compete on the national television show, American Talent.
Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember to stay in your homes until the turkey delivery trucks pass through town next Monday.
"No matter how you look at it, 874 pigs, each weighing between 200 and 400 pounds, wandering through the city, is a problem.," said Turtletown Police Chief Edna Wahwah.
The first 9-1-1 call came in at 4:53 a.m. when Christina Badside reported that six pigs were walking in a line on the sidewalk in front of her home at 22 Doublewe Ave. in Turtletown.
A police unit was dispatched to the scene.
Turtletown Police Officer Teddy Position radioed dispatch at 5:07 a.m. reporting he had arrived on scene and there were dozen of large pigs everywhere.
"The next thing you here on the tape is a scream and the words, 'Wait don't, no no...' then the dispatcher saying, 'Teddy, are you there Teddy' and then silence," said Turtletown Police Public Information Brittany Speckles.
All available units were rushed to the scene and all officers not on duty were called in.
Five 18-wheel pig-hauling trucks were found outside of The Event, the new 24-hour men's club, located just west of the Walson Church of Christ.
The back doors of the trucks were open and the ramps lowered.
The five truck drivers were inside The Event "talking" with some of the "dancers" and were at a loss as to how the trucks were opened.
"We've been in here "visiting" with the young ladies since 1 a.m. and don't have any idea how our trucks were opened," said one driver who would not give his name although he looked a lot like Pat Fartsong, who lives over in Gettle, Fla. with his wife Edna and their four children.
Daylight revealed the magnitude of the pig problem when the Lepsock County Sheriff's Office hang glider did a fly-over (LCSO was forced to sell their helicopter late in 2007 due to budget cuts).
"What I was wondering is how are we going to round up hundreds of pigs? I mean from the air, well, the pigs stretched out over a 9.12 square-mile area. They were everywhere," said LCSO hang glider pilot Wilber Hangmehigh.
Apparently before dawn more than 50 pigs had wandered over the Turtletown Bridge. The pigs were blocking north and southbound rush hour traffic on U.S. 24 Bypass as police and volunteers chased the pigs — and in some cases the pigs chased them.
The bridges had been raised to prevent any more pigs from wandering off onto the highway. Traffic was backed up for miles.
"Are you out of your mind?" was Turtletown Mayor Joe Manego's response to suggestion the 50-caliber machine guns be brought in from the Lepsock County National Guard Amory to slaughter the pigs.
Manego also rejected the idea of using the Army's AH-64 A/D Apache Attack Helicopter that was at the Turtletown Municipal Airport for this weekend's Veteran's Day celebration.
Instead, Manego contacted famed Pig Expert Bert Hanley of Burtude County Community College in Burtrude County, Mont.
Hanley suggested a pig jam to round up the sounder of pigs.
"Yes, I would say with more than 800 pigs on the loose, I would use a pig jam."
"It was first used quite effectively in Rogainnen, Norway," Hanley continued, "At that time, more than 2,100 pigs escaped from a pig rehabilitation farm. If the authorities hadn't come up with the pig jam idea, those pigs could have overrun Yougagin Castle."
According to Hanley, Norweigen scientists and a lower-secondary school music teacher, Asbjorn Zacharissen, determined the pigs will walk toward the sounds of a band consisting of two accordians, a soprano yodeling, a man banging an aluminum garbage can with his wooden leg and three reporters banging their heads against a wall. A rather odd "band."
Who could know?
Turtletown authorities wasted no time forming the band.
Using large amplifiers, the "band" started playing, and within an hour all 874 pigs were rounded up and back in the trucks.
And in the new American tradition of untalented, unqualified and untrained people rising to the top of American culture, the "band" now known as "The Swine Sounders" has been invited to compete on the national television show, American Talent.
Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember to stay in your homes until the turkey delivery trucks pass through town next Monday.
Next, I'll blog all over you from the lovely center of the state to Ecineville, Fla. where Christmas boats may be under attack.
© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC
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posted by JT Seravat @ 9:49 AM
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