Santa Missing - Part Three (final)
As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.
So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go
Part three of a three-part series.
Kimcoola, Fla. (SWG) - For those of you just joining us, in our last report the evil sisters-in-crime, Kimcoola's Public Information Officer Pamela Nocomment and Kimcoola local newspaper gossip columnist Courtney Cox, had dinner with Santa Claus at Tama’s Diner.
Recent information has come to our attention.
Their next stop for Nocomment, Cox and Santa was the now infamous club, Tribabe’s.
The bouncer at the door, Cindy Knuckles, remembers the trio.
“I thought Santa was just a women dressed up for the holidays. Hell, we got women dressed up as bikers, hikers and well, like lots of other things I don’t think you want to write in your paper, so why the hell would I be suspicious of a Santa?” said Knuckles, adding, “Now get the hell out of here — you’re starting to bother me."
Once in the club, Santa, surrounded by hundreds of (adjectives deleted by censors) women, was according to witnesses minding his own business when one club goer interviewed by police said all hell broke loose.
“The crazy @*$%^# comes running onto the dance floor holding a badge, and a really big gun, screaming police, which of course got a lot of the more subtle women’s attention. Then she grabs Santa around the neck,” said Eileen Smallponds.
According to Smallponds, Det. Sandra Sinfilled then told no one to move, she was leaving with Santa and there was no reason for anyone to get hurt.
Sinfilleld must have called for back-up because as she exited with Santa, police had the club surrounded.
Anderson and Cox surrendered without incident.
Later that day Kimcoola Nonews Gazette carrier pigeon brought in a message to the news room/ tea room, Kralc County State Attorney Moe Fine announced no charges will be filed against Kimcoola PIO Pamela Nocomment or KNG gossip columnist Courtney Cox.
“We believe after interviewing hundreds of witnesses and several interviews with Santa himself that Santa voluntarily went with Cox and Anderson to get some rest. Santa admits the trio made it appear to be a kidnapping so (please stop reading aloud now if there are children in the room) Santa could maintain his reputation and standing among the children of the world. Therefore all three are free to go. No charges will be filed,” said Fine in the statement.
Kimcoola Mayor Latka Von Rigenhousen released this statement after hearing no charges will be filed against the city’s PIOs.
“The girls, hmm hmm, women, did nothing wrong and we intend to reinstate them in their positions with full pay, after granting them six additional weeks of paid vacation and a free round trip to Wakaya Island with all expenses paid for the entire six weeks. They need time to rest from this ordeal,” read the statement.
Lucky they didn’t face jail time — they might have received a new house and their own reality TV show, in the opinion of this reporter.
Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, Santa is now available 24/7 as he has been placed under house arrest until Christmas.
Next, I'll blog all over you from Mymammy, Fla. where folks are getting ready for the after holiday shopping sales.
So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go
By JT Seravat
Part three of a three-part series.
Kimcoola, Fla. (SWG) - For those of you just joining us, in our last report the evil sisters-in-crime, Kimcoola's Public Information Officer Pamela Nocomment and Kimcoola local newspaper gossip columnist Courtney Cox, had dinner with Santa Claus at Tama’s Diner.
Recent information has come to our attention.
Their next stop for Nocomment, Cox and Santa was the now infamous club, Tribabe’s.
The bouncer at the door, Cindy Knuckles, remembers the trio.
“I thought Santa was just a women dressed up for the holidays. Hell, we got women dressed up as bikers, hikers and well, like lots of other things I don’t think you want to write in your paper, so why the hell would I be suspicious of a Santa?” said Knuckles, adding, “Now get the hell out of here — you’re starting to bother me."
Once in the club, Santa, surrounded by hundreds of (adjectives deleted by censors) women, was according to witnesses minding his own business when one club goer interviewed by police said all hell broke loose.
“The crazy @*$%^# comes running onto the dance floor holding a badge, and a really big gun, screaming police, which of course got a lot of the more subtle women’s attention. Then she grabs Santa around the neck,” said Eileen Smallponds.
According to Smallponds, Det. Sandra Sinfilled then told no one to move, she was leaving with Santa and there was no reason for anyone to get hurt.
Sinfilleld must have called for back-up because as she exited with Santa, police had the club surrounded.
Anderson and Cox surrendered without incident.
Later that day Kimcoola Nonews Gazette carrier pigeon brought in a message to the news room/ tea room, Kralc County State Attorney Moe Fine announced no charges will be filed against Kimcoola PIO Pamela Nocomment or KNG gossip columnist Courtney Cox.
“We believe after interviewing hundreds of witnesses and several interviews with Santa himself that Santa voluntarily went with Cox and Anderson to get some rest. Santa admits the trio made it appear to be a kidnapping so (please stop reading aloud now if there are children in the room) Santa could maintain his reputation and standing among the children of the world. Therefore all three are free to go. No charges will be filed,” said Fine in the statement.
Kimcoola Mayor Latka Von Rigenhousen released this statement after hearing no charges will be filed against the city’s PIOs.
“The girls, hmm hmm, women, did nothing wrong and we intend to reinstate them in their positions with full pay, after granting them six additional weeks of paid vacation and a free round trip to Wakaya Island with all expenses paid for the entire six weeks. They need time to rest from this ordeal,” read the statement.
Lucky they didn’t face jail time — they might have received a new house and their own reality TV show, in the opinion of this reporter.
Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, Santa is now available 24/7 as he has been placed under house arrest until Christmas.
Next, I'll blog all over you from Mymammy, Fla. where folks are getting ready for the after holiday shopping sales.
Publish Dec. 22 2008
© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC
posted by JT Seravat @ 1:29 PM
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