Bah Humbug Pageant

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Grumpyton, Fla. (SWG) - The 20 finalists are in place for this Friday night’s Bah Humbug Day Pageant to be held at Grumpyton Community Center. Every December the fine residents of Grumpyton, population 21,231, hold the town's much-anticipated Bah Humbug Day Pageant.

The residents, mostly retirees from Michigan, prepare all year for the event. By late Friday night we will know the names of the 12 Humbuggers who will represent Grumpyton in the county's Bah Humbug Day Pageant, Wednesday, Dec. 24.

“No matter which 12 are selected, we feel we have an excellent opportunity to win not only the team humbug competition, but also some of the individual categories, including Humbug King or Queen,” said Grumpyton Mayor Latka Von Rigenhousen.

“I would say my optimism is more guarded than the mayor’s. The town of Doowelgne has a very strong team this year,” said Grumpytown Bah Humbug Head Coach Tony T. Tonasaki.

The Bah Humbug Competition events this year include:

• The "Screaming at Cashiers" competition. Winners are determined by how loud the cashiers yell back, how much they cry or if they quit on the spot. Last year's winner of this event Fred Crocker, left cashier Don Arroz suffering a breakdown on the floor in aisle 12 of the local L Mart store.

• Twelve contestants at a time will hope to win the “Grab the Last Toy when the Music Stops” competition, held at the local "China Corporation Toys-Ah-Us" store. No holds barred. Punching, kicking and biting are acceptable. After a tragic incident last year, contestants will not be allowed to carry concealed firearms this year.

• The "Taunting Santa" competition takes place at the local mall. Contestants stand to the side of the "Santa Clause" posing for photos with children and taunt him until he breaks. Points are awarding on how angry Santa gets. Last year's winner, Gelda Selig of Grumpyton, was chased more than 100 yards by "Santa" armed with a five-foot candy cane screaming, "I'm going to kill you, you ugly *%@#$." Police tackled "Santa" before he could reach Selig.
• Four contestants will play “Steal a Parking Space at the Mall.” You know this game: Someone is clearly waiting for a car to vacate a parking spot and you cut them off and take the space.

• The “How Obnoxious Can Your Child be in Public” competition. Contests will coach a child to annoy people as much as possible. It is a four-part event. Venues are: a church, a restaurant, and a long line at a toy store. George Mallethead still holds the record for this competition with 476 points scored in 1994. Malletmet is still restricted by a court order from conceiving or adopting children.

• The "Most Weight Gained" competition. Contestants were weighed at 6 a.m. on Thanksgiving Day. Between than and 12:01 a.m. Dec. 23, contestants compete to gain the most weight by eating candy, cookies, dips, chips, Jack Daniels, and, for the truly courageous, fruitcake.

• "Going-Into-Debt-Up-To-and-Over-Your-Eyeballs" competition. Winner will have charged the most on as many credit cards as they can be approved for. Last year's total $178,423.93. Winner Ralph Att called this reporter last week to let us know he was granted a bailout from thee United States last week and is now debt free.

• Special points go to the Bah Humbug contestant who comes up with the most creative "Bah Humbug Spontaneous Event". Last year it was Doowelgne team member Richy Gomek, who volunteered to dress up as Santa Claus for one of the elementary school parties and then in front of more than 250 school children yelled, not “Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas” but, “Bah Humbug, little brats, you see there is no Santa Claus” as he took off his red suit, pulled off his fake white beard, knocked over a paper mache "Rudolph" and left the school. Teachers and parents consoled more than 200 screaming and crying children.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember tickets for this year's Bah Humbug Pageant are available at local Grumpyton retailers displaying the photo of Foxy News' Bill O'Reilly, dressed as The Grinch.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Kimcoola, Fla. where "Santa" is missing.

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC