Terrorists paranoia

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Moolaville, Fla. (SWG) -Word spread through the commercial districts, expensive condos, gated communities and the residential slums of Moolaville, Fla. on Thursday. The word — the town of 38,090 was under seige.

The Whittier Bank on East Ohio Avenue was surrounded by agents from the FBI, Secret Service, Homeland Security, Treasury Department and the United States Post Office Thursday morning.

Seravat Writers Group has pieced together the story from the 9-1-1 tapes, official police reports and eye witnesses.

The tapes show that at approximately 8:33 a.m. an anonymous caller to local police stated the “dome on top of the Whittier Bank was really a high-powered radio transmitter and receiver that was being used by the 'A-RABS' to send messages about terrorist acts.”

The Moolaville Police Department immediately called the FBI in Apmat, Fla. and within an hour the bank building with the suspicious dome was surrounded by more than 200 city, county, state and federal law enforcement officers.

Within minutes of their arrival FBI agents took the lead in the investigation.

“As within the bureau's policy and under the guidelines of the Patriot Act we are in charge,” said FBI Public Information Officer Red McClumsy.

And boy, were they in charge.

FBI agents found native Moolavillian and current president of the Whittier Bank Mike Carrier at his home. They dragged him from his kitchen table at gunpoint to a waiting car and brought him to the parking lot of the bank. It was then he was told by FBI agents to “open the bank door or die like a dog.”

Carrier then advised the agents the keys were at his home, since he had forgotten them while being threatened with death by the agents.

Not a problem for the FBI. Off went several agents back to Carrier’s home. Upon entering, one of the agents saw the Carrier’s pet toy poodle “Mumu” playing with what the agent thought were at set of keys.

Mumu was hit by 14 rounds out of a total of 52 rounds fired by the agents.

Turns out the “keys” were in fact, "Mumu's" favorite toy, a stuffed rabbit with shiny eyes.

Mike’s wife, Kathy, in fear for her life, told the agents the keys were hanging on a hook by the door.

Back at the “terrorist” scene, Whittier Bank, agents used the keys to make entry into the building. Climbing into the “dome,” the agents found no “A-RABS” or radio equipment.

What they did find: three bats, 27 dust bunnies, one bikini top; size 38C, and a color photograph of "Mumu" the dog, in its mouth, a small stuffed rabbit with shiny eyes.

Well, this is By JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember to place bulletproof vests on all your dogs and cats before leaving for work in Moolaville, Fla.

Next, I'll blog all over you from the city of Oldsville, Fla. where those old ladies who have gone crazy, AKA, The Maroon Hat Ladies are on the rampage.

Editor’s note: No fictious dogs, either living or dead, were injured in the creation of this fictious story. Get over it.

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Christmas boat parade suspect arrested

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Ecineville, Fla. (SWG) -The small coastal hamlet of Ecineville, Fla, population 2,477, became the talk of the nation this week when Ecineville Police arrested Heff Dadius after an undercover officer for the Ecineville Police Department uncovered Dadius’ plot to purchase a mini submarine, load it with torpedoes and blow up boats during the Ecineville Boat Parade, which is held every December.

The news was broadcast nationwide by CNN, MSNBC, NBC and all other major media.

Ecineville Police Chief Trudy Redford announced the arrest on Tuesday. “We have apprehended one Heff C. Dadius after a lengthy undercover investigation revealed the suspect was in the process of gathering the necessary materials and making detailed plans to torpedo boats during the Ecineville Boat Parade,” Redford said."Charges are pending."

My sources at the state attorney’s office maintenance department are telling me that several felonies will be filed along with a misdemeanor for conspiracy to operate a mini-sub in the intracoastal waterway without a permit.

“This is quite a relief,” said Ecineville Mayor Juan Suarez.

Ecineville Boat Parade President Sheila Evinruder was just appalled when she heard the news. “That sick son of a %&&%. Imagine someone even thinking about disrupting our wonderful, beautiful, terrific, outstanding, joyous, admirable, alluring, angelic, appealing, beauteous, bewitching, charming, classy, comely, cute, dazzling, delicate, delightful, divine, elegant, enticing, and excellent parade. They should hang that &^$%(&^) and well, that’s all I have to say." said Evinruder.

Ecinevillians were stunned as the news broke. “I just can’t believe this could happen in our lovely Ecineville,” resident Martha Redingham said.

In order to restore calm in the community, Mayor Suarez invited the public to a press conference and afternoon tea. The press conference was broadcast live nationwide, and the mayor rose to the occasion to calm the populace and let people across the country know the people of the small hamlet were all OK.

“I’m pleased and happy to repeat the news that we have, in fact, caught the predator that supposedly planned to blow up the boats,” said Mayor Suarez. “And as you see, it’s a beautiful day, the beaches are open and people are having a wonderful time. Ecineville, as you know, means ‘friendship,’” he said. Thanks to EPD and the mayor, the children of Ecineville will sleep soundly tonight.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember to install depth charges on your boat if you plan of participating in The Ecineville Boat Parade this December.

Next, I'll blog all over you from the lovely tourist town of Moolaville, Fla. where concerns of terrorism struck the community.

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Pigs attack

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Turletown, Fla. (SWG) - Citizens of this town of 11,392 woke up to an unusual crisis this past Tuesday.

"No matter how you look at it, 874 pigs, each weighing between 200 and 400 pounds, wandering through the city, is a problem.," said Turtletown Police Chief Edna Wahwah.

The first 9-1-1 call came in at 4:53 a.m. when Christina Badside reported that six pigs were walking in a line on the sidewalk in front of her home at 22 Doublewe Ave. in Turtletown.

A police unit was dispatched to the scene.

Turtletown Police Officer Teddy Position radioed dispatch at 5:07 a.m. reporting he had arrived on scene and there were dozen of large pigs everywhere.

"The next thing you here on the tape is a scream and the words, 'Wait don't, no no...' then the dispatcher saying, 'Teddy, are you there Teddy' and then silence," said Turtletown Police Public Information Brittany Speckles.

All available units were rushed to the scene and all officers not on duty were called in.

Five 18-wheel pig-hauling trucks were found outside of The Event, the new 24-hour men's club, located just west of the Walson Church of Christ.

The back doors of the trucks were open and the ramps lowered.

The five truck drivers were inside The Event "talking" with some of the "dancers" and were at a loss as to how the trucks were opened.

"We've been in here "visiting" with the young ladies since 1 a.m. and don't have any idea how our trucks were opened," said one driver who would not give his name although he looked a lot like Pat Fartsong, who lives over in Gettle, Fla. with his wife Edna and their four children.

Daylight revealed the magnitude of the pig problem when the Lepsock County Sheriff's Office hang glider did a fly-over (LCSO was forced to sell their helicopter late in 2007 due to budget cuts).

"What I was wondering is how are we going to round up hundreds of pigs? I mean from the air, well, the pigs stretched out over a 9.12 square-mile area. They were everywhere," said LCSO hang glider pilot Wilber Hangmehigh.

Apparently before dawn more than 50 pigs had wandered over the Turtletown Bridge. The pigs were blocking north and southbound rush hour traffic on U.S. 24 Bypass as police and volunteers chased the pigs — and in some cases the pigs chased them.

The bridges had been raised to prevent any more pigs from wandering off onto the highway. Traffic was backed up for miles.

"Are you out of your mind?" was Turtletown Mayor Joe Manego's response to suggestion the 50-caliber machine guns be brought in from the Lepsock County National Guard Amory to slaughter the pigs.

Manego also rejected the idea of using the Army's AH-64 A/D Apache Attack Helicopter that was at the Turtletown Municipal Airport for this weekend's Veteran's Day celebration.

Instead, Manego contacted famed Pig Expert Bert Hanley of Burtude County Community College in Burtrude County, Mont.

Hanley suggested a pig jam to round up the sounder of pigs.

"Yes, I would say with more than 800 pigs on the loose, I would use a pig jam."

"It was first used quite effectively in Rogainnen, Norway," Hanley continued, "At that time, more than 2,100 pigs escaped from a pig rehabilitation farm. If the authorities hadn't come up with the pig jam idea, those pigs could have overrun Yougagin Castle."

According to Hanley, Norweigen scientists and a lower-secondary school music teacher, Asbjorn Zacharissen, determined the pigs will walk toward the sounds of a band consisting of two accordians, a soprano yodeling, a man banging an aluminum garbage can with his wooden leg and three reporters banging their heads against a wall. A rather odd "band."

Who could know?

Turtletown authorities wasted no time forming the band.

Using large amplifiers, the "band" started playing, and within an hour all 874 pigs were rounded up and back in the trucks.

And in the new American tradition of untalented, unqualified and untrained people rising to the top of American culture, the "band" now known as "The Swine Sounders" has been invited to compete on the national television show, American Talent.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember to stay in your homes until the turkey delivery trucks pass through town next Monday.

Next, I'll blog all over you from the lovely center of the state to Ecineville, Fla. where Christmas boats may be under attack.

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Government Cost Cutting

AAs always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Hottashell County, Fla. (SWG) - Like many counties across the country that have been faced with having to cut budgets and find alternative ways to generate revenue that is being lost to a declining economy.

Here is Hottashell County, County Administrator Jim Hatchet has come up with $10 million more in cuts than the HC Board of County Commissioners requested.

"I believe this is an opportunity," said Hatchet, "Heck, we should have done this a long time ago. We can save millions with these simple changes that won't really affect our employees or our customers, the citizen of this fine county."

So just what are these "simple changes"?

• The "Time 'SChair' Program" — The county is going to sell half of all its office chairs occupied by a who is at a G7 level or lower when there are several of those workers in one location. Two workers will than share one chair: one hour standing, kneeling or laying on the floor and one hour sitting in the lone chair they share. Workers must continue working whether in the chair or not. No lap sitting allowed.

• The "Multiple Team Projects Joint Pay Initiative" — "When a project requires more than one person working on it, each employee will receive whatever portion of pay per hour determined by the number of persons working on the project proportional to project completion estimates," according to a county report specify the changes. (Editor's Note: Huh? What does that mean?) We asked HC county spokesperson Twipple Lockhead, "If two people are working on a project together for six hours, each worker receives only three hours pay."

• The "Secure Lunch Site Safety Program" — Ever concerned about worker safety, the county is requiring that employees remain in their buildings for their entire nine-hour shift, including thier on-hour unpaid lunch. Special "Lunch Safety Site Cafeterias" are being set up. Lunches ranging from $12.95 (hot dog and a bag of chips) to $36.95 (Caesar salad with grilled chicken product) will be served in all the LSS cafeterias. Soft drinks, coffee or tea: $6.

Some other "simple changes":

• Toilet paper is now considered a personal item — bring your own.
• Parking passes will be sold starting Monday. Monthly pass: $80. Yearly pass: $1120.
• Office supplies — buy all your own office supplies at Hatchet Stationers and receive a 2-percent discount.
• Standing around the water cooler, sharing stories, laughing with co-workers — priceless. But unfortunately the water coolers are history. Bottled water: $2. See your supervisor.
• Oh, and when you leave work tonight and go to punch your timecard, don't forget to put a quarter in the slot of the time card machine before you insert your card.
  

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember not to forget to bring your TP tomorrow if you work in Hottashell County, Fla.

Next, I'll blog all over you from the lovely center of the state to Turtletown, Fla. where pigs are causing a few "issues."

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Florida's wonderful senior drivers

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

VARAKA, Florida (SWG) - Like many Florida communities this town of 15,893 on Florida's west coast has a large population of senior citizens.

So city officials were busy studying a report of a 10-year study of senior driving habits released Tuesday by Florida's Office of Senior Studies.

The report, "Drivers Over 85: Habits and Hazards" is a 496-page report detailing everything from "Collisions with Sidewalk Benches: How They Happen and Can They Be Averted?" to "Staying in Your Lane: You Can Do It."

"This report will be a valuable resource to educate our older drivers as to what they are doing wrong and how to correct their driving habits," said OSS Director Bearkus Geta.

"Our hope is to reduce the number of accidents involving senior over 85 by 30 percent over the next five years," Geta added.

Not all of this town's residents were happy with the report's findings and conclusions.
Varaka resident and co-chair of the group, Freedom to Drive: You're Never Too Old, Theodore GelkinTee was swift to react to the report.

"This is a travesty; the state spent millions of dollars to do a study that, at least at first glance, is nothing more than a bunch of anecdotal evidence, which is put together like it's a factual report. It's a canard," said GelkinTee, adding, "This is simply an attempt to take driver licenses away from seniors."

"Anyway, everyone knows it's those damn 20-year-olds in those little souped-up, 4-cylinder foreign cars causing all the problems," GelkinTee said, "That's a fact."

The report summary cites 65 "egregious errors committed by senior drivers on a regular basis."

The top five on the list were:

Having one's attention diverted, or vision blocked, by a small, hyperactive, matted-hair dog wearing a "cute" little coat and /or hat that is allowed to roam free in the vehicle, while yapping constantly because it hasn't had its dog Ritalin.

Forgetting that you're driving your vehicle while you are actually driving your vehicle.

Stopping in the middle of a road for no apparent reason.

Taking more time to make a simple left turn then it takes to do a 180 degree turn of the 1,052-foot long, 82,655-ton United States Naval Aircraft carrier John F. Kennedy in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Failing to sell your big four-door American sedan and signing up for your county's transit service, "Take the damn bus."

"This report will be used as an attempt to take licenses away from seniors over 85 and if it becomes law our organization will fight this all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary. Damn, I'll organize protests and have people handcuff themselves to their cars. We will not allow the state and those damn 20-year-olds to tell us what we can and can't do," said GelkinTee.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, look both ways before you cross the street here in Varaka, Florida.

Next, I'll blog all over you from the lovely center of the state to Hottashell County where budget cuts are causing a few "issues."

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Coming Soon

It's the Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News