New teaching techniques

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Pelitile, Fla. (SWG) - Improving high school student aptitude scores was a top priority for Larry Washington when he was hired as school superintendent in this town 0f 23,981 in the panhandle of Florida.

Washington wasted no time in preparing to implement a program he feels will bring about the changes that parents are looking for in improving their students abilities.

"I have consulted with experts from all over the South and am convinced that this element of my new 'You Will Learn' program will be successful," said Washington last week.

Washington was at the Pelitile High School on Tuesday to announce his the specifics of his program and to implement the first of many changes he feels will work to improve student learning and improve their scores on statewide tests.

The first step of Washington's bold plan — installation of lasers in all classrooms.

“It is imperative that we use every tool available to improve our state test scores. As you know, the school district with the highest test scores receives millions in state aid. This money is critical in not only improving our schools, but also guaranteeing large raises for myself and my inner circle,” said Washington.

According Teddy “Big Mac” Cortland, director of advanced technology for the Pelitile School District, the lasers emit a thin beam which results in a mild shock, and a burning sensation to a students skin when they are hit by it.

Teachers will use the lasers on students during practice testing for the state exams.

Each teacher will have a remote targeting/firing device to hit students with a beam when they get an incorrect answer, thus aiding them in the learning process,” said Cortland.

The mayor, city counselors, county commissioners and distinguished guests were on hand to witness a demonstration of the device after the superintendent’s press conference.

Rhonda Getterman, the principal of Pelitile High School and a rather attractive principal as principals go volunteered her son Rufus to be tested by, what Washington has termed, "a new learning device."

SWG has learned that Getterman volunteered her son after Washington called Getterman to remind her that her contract as principal of PHS expires at the end of this school year.

Rufus is a junior at EHS, sporting a black eye, which he said he received when "he fell", sat in the test chair while dozens of dignitaries looked on.

Someone from the crowd yelled, " We’re proud of you, Rufus" just as Teddy “Big Mac” Cortland pressed the remote and fired on the young Rufus.

Washington was heard screaming, "Shut it off, dammit, shut it off" as people screamed, trampling each other to get out of the classroom.

Speaking in front of Pelitile For Profit Hospital later in the day Washington had this to say, "We are pleased to announce that Rufus is expected to recover fully from the unfortunate accident which occurred this morning and I think it is important we stay focused on the positive news. Rufus was able to recite all the Presidents of the United States in order this afternoon. He has become smarter and doctors feel the shaking and twitching the young man is experience should dissapate over time."

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember students, bring a mirror or wrap yourself in heavy aluminum foil before attending classes tomorrow at PHS.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Lemonville, Fla. where a longtime city activist has apparently been working too hard.

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Maroon hat ladies gone wild

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Oldsville, Fla. (SWG) - The Maroon Hat Ladies were out in force this weekend for their lovely "Annual Downtown Stroll" in this retirement city of 52.937. If you are unfamiliar with the group they are a group of senior women who believe when the get older they are free to do whatever they wish. It is normally a peaceful social group.

The Hatters who came from as far away as Carpman, Fla numbered in the hundreds. In the morning the Hatters enjoyed food, arts and craft vendors and various musicians.

"A wonderful morning, just wonderful." said Assistant Head Hatter Millie Constance.

Many of the Hatters carried single roses that were provided by Lionthrone Florists. Singing could be heard all over our lovely downtown area of Oldsville.

So just how the riot started is unclear.

But after the rioting ended around 8 p.m. 87 Hatters had been arrested, 22 of those with minor injuries. An additional 34 Hatters were treated at the Oldsville For Profit Hospital and released.

SWG was able to speak with several witnesses.

The most credible of these witnesses seem to be Gertrude Yupper.

"I seen the whole thing. It was bout 3 p.m. a cop stopped that poor women for jaywalking with her ice cream cone. When the copper wrote her a ticket, she ripped it up and threw it in the air. The copper must have called for backup cause two minutes later three more coppers show up and they handcuff that poor women right there in the middle of the street. It was terrible." said Yupper.

Putting together the stories of other witnesses what happened next escalated the arrest into a riot.

As six Oldsville Police Department officers tried to remove the arrested women from the scene, dozens of Hatters began beating the officers with umbrellas, hairbrushes, false teeth and anything else they could use as a weapon.

OPD let the first tear gas canister fly into the crowd at 4:13 p.m.

Hatters, some of them apparently relying on things they had learned in the 1960s, began tossing Molotav Cocktails at the police.

"Oh yeah, I saw it," said local business owner Vern Hosselman, "The Hatters broke into the R&G wine shop. They emptied those bottles of wine, while another group ran them over to the gas station. Then, well... it was just one explosion after the next."

OPD riot officers seemed to be gaining the upper hand around 6 p.m.

But then with yet another surge, the crowd of Maroon Hatters forced the police to retreat.

"They threw everything at us on that last surge of the line. A veteran officer was taken down by a "walker" to the knee caps. He would have been beaten to death by those canes, if we hadn't surged forward to surround and rescue him." said OPD LT. Dave Merlow.

It remained quiet for another hour and a half as both sides rested.

But at 7:42 p.m. the silence was broken. Flairs lit up downtown. From all corners of Bicentennial Park Oldsville firefighters sprayed the crowd with water. Over 100 officers from OPD and other agencies rushed the crowd of old ladies firing hundreds of rounds of jelly beans, subduing them.

A smoked filled downtown obscured a full moon as complete silence gripped both sides and calm was restored to our lovely city.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember to bring your gas mask and wear your jelly bean proof vest when you come to next weekend's "Art's for Art's Sake" festival here in Oldsville.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Pelitle,Fla. where the local school district is making some drastic changes to improve student test scores.

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC