Poor, Poor Realtors

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Vedderville, Fla. (SWG) - Like almost every community in Florida, the town of Vedderville, population 12,789, has suffered from a collapse of the real estate market. Housing prices are down 60 percent from their peak in 2005.

Housing sales are at a standstill, with only 3 houses sold here in October.

It should be no surprise that unemployment is up throughout town but real estate agents and brokers have seen their incomes cut down to almost nothing.

The news coming out of Vedderville this week, however sad, was not unexpected.

Vedderville's local paper the Vedderville Uniformer lead with sad news on page one of its weekly edition published according to a banner on their front page, "every Tuesday unless it's late then we'll get it to you on Wednesday."

Reporter Greg Allsmiles reported.

"Another Realtor was found passed out on the floor of the men’s room at Hannigans Bar Tuesday afternoon."

Well, this unfortunately is not uncommon in Vedderville.

We spoke with Mr. Allsmiles early Wednesday evening after he returned a call we made to him in the afternoon at 3 p.m. According to the receptionist at the Uniformer, reporter Allsmiles is unavailable in the afternoons between the hours of noon and 4 p.m. when he is napping.

"Yes, that makes the 38th Realtor to be found passed out in one of our local bars in the middle of the afternoon since the beginning of the year," said Allsmiles.

We also spoke with the towns board of realtors.

“It’s sad, and it’s a crisis,” said Vedderville Board of Realtors President Charlene Mackerel, adding, “I remember we faced this situation back in the mid 70’s when the real estate market collapsed. These poor Realtors, and in this market I mean poor, have nothing to do, so they end up in bars, drink too much and pass out. Our organization has started a program to encourage Realtors to change careers.”

Indeed the Vedderville Board of Realtors has tried to help.

The “Would You Like to Supersize That” program instituted by the VBR has already graduated 42 Realtors.

"These realtors must face the same reality as newspaper special section editors, wall street derivatives traders and other workers who have no real training in a useful field," said Mackerel. "They have to enter the exciting new world of hospitality or retail."

During our visit to Vedderville, we had the opportunity to meet one of VBR's former realtors and WYLST graduate, Egdum Brownybrook.

"I could not be more excited at the opportunity given to me by VBR President Mackerel for the retraining and new life they she and the board have given me," said Brownybrook.

Thanks to my training, the wonderful counseling I've received at the Dr Demento Free Clinic, the free "pleasure pills" perscribed by Vedderville's Dr. Kerry Kickback and the wonderful people here at my new employer, I'm happy all the time, said Brownybrook.

"Do you feel like this new career will fulfill you?" I asked Brownybrook.

"Feel, you don't understand, I love my life now," he said, adding, "I don't feel a damn thing thanks to my medication and two hours at the bar after work everyday and I have no responsibilty anymore.

"Well, I best get back to work here," said Brownybrook.

"Thank you for speaking to me for my story," I told Brownybrook.

"Oh no," he said, "Thank you. And thank you for shopping at Walmart."

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember if your in school, stay in school and not in real estate school.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Grumpyton, Fla. where the annual "Bah Humbug Pageant" takes place each holiday season.

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Activist goes crazy

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat


Lemonville, Fla. (SWG) - City council meetings are known to be, in the words of a longtime city resident, "better than 'South Park' reruns" in this mid-size city of 84,995 just outside Miami.

But the Lemonville city council meeting turned ugly and hysterical this week when longtime city resident and activist Janet Granite refused to stop speaking after her 5 minutes were up during the public comment time of the meeting.

As Lemonville Police Officer Ralli Tagart was ordered by the mayor to remove Granite from the council chamber, she bolted to her feet and declared that she was taking over the city under the rights granted to her by “her leader RANCHELLA.”

See, turns out that Granite believes she is from a planet know as “Number 9 in the Vulpeculae Cluster.”

Really she does, according to her longtime friend and psychiatrist Dr. Bill. Dr. Bill is not a doctor, but he pretends to be one in Lemonville.

When Targart attempted to arrest Granite she was able to struggled free ran from city hall and down Merchant Avenue with Tagart in pursuit.

Unfortunately, Targart was slowed as a Chihuahua, excited by the disturbance, had chased Tagart, bitten his leg, and was hanging on for dear life.

A dog "stylist", who refused to identify herself, said she recognized the dog, he was a client of hers and his name was “Bitsy.”

Granite escaped from Targart.

Later that evening Lemonville police had found Granite and had cornered her in the old Toy Train Repair Station on the eastern edge of town.

The LPD SWAT Pair (cutbacks reduced the Lemonville SWAT Team to only two members) was called in, along with Dr. Zachary Smith, a negotiator from the SETI Institute, whose mission is to search for extraterrestrial life forms.

LPD allowed Smith to negotiate with Granite before taking any action.

The SETI negotiator told Granite if she agreed to surrender he would schedule her on the next shuttle flight to her home, the planet "Number 9".

An ambulance from the Dr. Demento Memorial Funny Farm Hospital was standing by to transport Granite.

Granite told Smith she would not surrender until Lemonville Mayor Moises Suarez agreed to “abdicate his throne and grant her full authority over the city.”

By now of course, television stations were covering the story live on all Miami stations.

The Lemonville Public Information Officer Lynn Courtney was preparing to issue a statement on live TV, not realizing she already was on live TV when she said the following:

“That women is nuts, she’s always been nuts and everyone in Lemonville knows it. Her whole family is crazy, but she is the head nutcase. %$%^# loony. OK, is everyone ready? Jim, you set? OK, here we go in 5, 4, 3, 2, ... The Mayor expresses his deep concern for Ms. Granite and her wonderful family. He urges Janet Granite to surrender to LPD and assures her that no harm will come to her.”

At press time, Granite remained holed up in the TTRS.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, as former speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives Tip O'Neil said, "All politics is local" and may we add, sometimes loco.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Vedderville, Fla. where local real estate agents have hit bottom.

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC