Santa's Missing - Part One

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Part one of a three-part series.

Kimcoola, Fla. (SWG) - A state-wide all-points bulletin was issued by the Florida Highway Patrol Tuesday at 1:40 p.m. when Santa Claus failed to show up for a scheduled appearance at the Kimcoola City Council meeting.

This city of 59,324 was shocked as word spread of Santa's disappearance.

“We certainly would like the public’s help on this,” said Kimcoola Police Chief Lisa Funnyhat, “The suspect was last seen by the reindeer Trixie (formerly known as Vixen) at 9:15 a.m. at the Htron Elop Toy Making Facility. The suspect is a male Caucasian with Roswell alien DNA strands 376-PY and 119-N. He is about five feet, 10 inches tall, weighing 327 and one-half pounds. He has gray hair, a long gray beard and one blue eye and one red eye.”

(Santa’s red eye was caused by a tragic accident when he was photographed by a celebrity gossip columnist two years ago who gave him red eye. Some of the world’s best photo doctors have been unable to cure the condition.)

According to Trixie, Santa was wearing the usual Santa suit: red jacket and pants with white trim. Trixie insisted, however, that instead of the red hat, she saw Santa wearing a purple, wide-brimmed women’s hat with a fake orange feather and three large deep-purple feathers sticking out of it.

(Editors Note: Do we need to explain to the readers when it became possible for reindeer to talk? Nah.)

“We have law enforcement throughout the state searching for Santa,” said Redford.

Redford refused to speculate on whether Santa had wandered off not realizing who he was, had perpetrated his own disappearance, or the unimaginable: Santa had been kidnapped.

Unfortunately, some people have started wild rumors as to Santa’s fate.

As children cried at Tuesday’s city council meeting, things turned ugly when a member of the gallery yelled out, “It was the mayor! He kidnapped Santa!”

Shouting continued for more than 10 minutes when KPD called in backup units to restore order.

In an odd coincidence, Kimcoola Public Information Officer Pamela Nocomment and Kimcoola's local gossip editor, Courtney Cox, from the Kimcoola Nonews Gazette left together shortly after Santa failed to arrive, and no one has seen them since.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember stay vigilant and tuned to this website for news on the whereabouts of Santa.

To be continued.

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC