Shopping Craze

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go

By JT Seravat

Mymammy, Fla. (SWG) - Shopping won't be as exciting as years ago, but there are more sales.

Credit cards at the ready, gifts to return with receipts attached to them, body armor on and flyers from every store in hand, Retta and Debtor Baretta are ready.

Seravat Writers Group will be reporting on the after Holiday shopping spree from the city of Mymammy.

We arrived at the Baretta’s house at 12:30 a.m. on Friday, Dec. 26, 2007.

It is the first shopping day after Christmas.

The only other day this reporter can remember that had the potential to cause such citywide pandemonium was when those squirrels massed on the big hill overlooking the Booden Woods in East Wilkinson, Fla. and threatened to attack the city.

The “Official First Day of Shopping After Christmas,” as it has been dubbed by the Mymammy Chamber of Commercialism, officially begins at 1 a.m. Friday.

The Baretta's and thousands of others were waiting at stores as the doors opened.

So if you are standing there in your robe on your front stoop reading this in your local paper at 6 a.m., first, close your robe, and second, get dressed and get shopping, people — you’re already five hours late.

“The Mymammy retail and restaurant sector intends to make this not only our first Official First Day of Shopping After Christmas, but our finest,” said Vaughn Momo, MCC assistant director of official statements, in an unofficial statement leaked to the press on Christmas Day.

“Special events will be taking place throughout the day. I’m pleased and happy to repeat the news that we have, in fact, retained Johnny and the Ghostly Trio, who will be playing reggae all day in the middle of the roundabout at the Halfempty Mall. It will be a beautiful day, all the stores and restaurants will be open and people will have a wonderful time. Mymammy, as you know, means insanity.”

MCC released a statement later in the day that stated, “Regarding Mr. Momo’s statement issued earlier today, please substitute the word ‘fabulous’ for the word ‘insanity.’ Thank you.”

Well, at 10 a.m. here on West Mymammy Avenue, where thousands gathered to return items, purchase new items and enjoy the lovely St. Valentines and Easter decorations that have been set up to remind folks of the next big shopping days when they can substitute buying stuff for a lack of creative and spiritual satisfaction in their lives.

“I am happy to be here right after Christmas to be passing out ultra-high-trans-fat candy to overweight children to remind their parents St. Valentines Day and Easter will be here before you know it,” said a 7-foot-tall bunny roaming down the middle of the street. The bunny refused to give his name.

Flyers were being handed out at the mall that a man will be here at 4 p.m. dressed up as Uncle Sam to remind us to buy fireworks and food for the Fourth of July.

Florida Gov. Crispy should up to remind people that if they didn't buy things, lots of things, that Florida would go into a depression and even the illegal aliens would return to their home countries forcing fat white rich slobs that inhabit Florida to cut their own grass, clean their own houses, fix their own roofs and never eat oranges or lemons again.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, a new Florida law requires all part time residents to spend a minimum of $ 60,000 between January and March. Thank you snowbirds for your cooperation.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Linnville, Fla. where women are screaming? That's what it says here on the "wire."

Publish Dec. 28 2008

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC