Water and Tee Shirts

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go

By JT Seravat

Tillytown, Fla. (SWG) - Excitement filled the air here it this lovely seaside village. No it didn't. That's what the PR guy told us to say, but we won't because it's a lie.

He and others at The Not Quite Southwestern Middle Coast Water District Agency aren't happy.

The powerful regional agency held its annual Water Quality District 12 Class 5A competition in Tillytown this week.

For those of you not aware of this competition, it’s huge in the water business. Each city or town is eligible to compete in local, district, regional and then the State Water Quality Championships in Eessahallat in May.

It's the Super Bowl of water quality.

So why is the NQSNCWDA unhappy?

Well, it seems the district competition in Tillytown this week along with districts throughout the state have had very poor attendance.

Can’t imagine why. Unless the District Grass Growing competitions were going on at the same time.

All kidding aside, these water guys and gals take their water and water competition seriously, and they’ve come up with an answer to the low attendance.

Ready?

After each water-tasting competition, the NQSNCWDA will sponsor a wet T-shirt contest involving women from the towns competing in the water quality testing.

No one will be admitted after the water tasting begins.

“We expect much larger crowds at next year’s competition. Water quality and water management are important issues and the citizens of your community need to be informed,” said NQSSNCWDA Director of Development Sheila Wallenbee.

We contacted Wallenbee at her Eessahallat office.

I asked Wallenbee if she felt it was appropriate to use a wet T-shirt contest as a means to have people attend the water quality competition.

“Look, the entire cultural and social structure has clearly deteriorated to the point where appealing to people’s greed, physical thrill or sexual appetite are the only means by which to get them to attend boring, yet educational events like this, and everybody knows it,” said Wallenbee.

Well now isn’t that an optimistic view of things.

Seems water people can get testy at times when things don’t flow their way.

By the way ladies, applications to be in the 2010 wet T-shirt competition can be had by calling 555-6666 or online at qqq.wetwater.com.

Gentlemen, to reserve your tickets for the 2010 water-tasting competition, see Marilyn at the Tillytown Water Department.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, to get your tickets early for next years competition.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Flatland, Fla. where police are baffled by people disappearing.

Published Feb. 13, 2009

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Disappearing

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go

By JT Seravat

Flattown, Fla. (SWG) - Over the last two weeks, Flattown Police have taken six reports of missing persons.

Is that a lot?

"Well, for Flattown, that would be a lot in a year.

We are definitely concerned about this and looking for any pattern that may exist." said Flattown Police Department Det. George Garrison.

I asked Garrison if these disappearances could have anything to do with Jane Granite of Lemonville, Fla. vanishing into a giant beam of light from the sky on Nov. 29, 2008 when she was holed up in the Toy Train Repair Station while evading arrest. (See "Activist goes Crazy" - Nov. 24, 2008)

“We’re looking into that possibility, but don't say anything about that because we don’t want to cause a panic, you know.” said Garrison.

We know.

The last thing we want to do is tell people you could be walking into L Mart to buy a pair of socks when a giant beam of light lifts you into the sky and aboard an alien spacecraft where the aliens take this device that looks like a combination between a pair of alligator pliers and a sicle and....

Boy, that was close. We also let the horrible mutated cat out of the bag. You could just sense the hysteria and panic about to begin.

It is true that Granite was lifted into the sky on the morning of Nov. 29, 2008 when she was avoiding arrest by the Lemonville Police Department. Over 30 people witnessed that including several LPD officers and Dr. Zachary Smith from the Search for Extra Terrestrials.

Garrison did point out that TPD was especially concerned since the people disappearing were not downtrodden people like photographers, sports writers, truckers or housekeepers.

No, these were regular normal people like realtors, ad salespeople, business owners and authors.

Garrison said he would consider requesting help from federal authorities if TPD gets no additional leads.

Is it possible this is a hoax perpetrated by those people who have disappeared.

But Garrison doubts it because TPD can’t find any connection between the parties.

We’ll keep you posted.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, well, maybe carry baby powder with you at all times. In case you disappear you can spread it on yourself and they can find you. Hey, it's worth a shot.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Egdum, Fla. where people are mysteriously becoming incapable of accomplishing anything, anything at all.

Published Feb. 17, 2009.

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC