Activist goes crazy
As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.
So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.
By JT Seravat
Lemonville, Fla. (SWG) - City council meetings are known to be, in the words of a longtime city resident, "better than 'South Park' reruns" in this mid-size city of 84,995 just outside Miami.
But the Lemonville city council meeting turned ugly and hysterical this week when longtime city resident and activist Janet Granite refused to stop speaking after her 5 minutes were up during the public comment time of the meeting.
As Lemonville Police Officer Ralli Tagart was ordered by the mayor to remove Granite from the council chamber, she bolted to her feet and declared that she was taking over the city under the rights granted to her by “her leader RANCHELLA.”
See, turns out that Granite believes she is from a planet know as “Number 9 in the Vulpeculae Cluster.”
Really she does, according to her longtime friend and psychiatrist Dr. Bill. Dr. Bill is not a doctor, but he pretends to be one in Lemonville.
When Targart attempted to arrest Granite she was able to struggled free ran from city hall and down Merchant Avenue with Tagart in pursuit.
Unfortunately, Targart was slowed as a Chihuahua, excited by the disturbance, had chased Tagart, bitten his leg, and was hanging on for dear life.
A dog "stylist", who refused to identify herself, said she recognized the dog, he was a client of hers and his name was “Bitsy.”
Granite escaped from Targart.
Later that evening Lemonville police had found Granite and had cornered her in the old Toy Train Repair Station on the eastern edge of town.
The LPD SWAT Pair (cutbacks reduced the Lemonville SWAT Team to only two members) was called in, along with Dr. Zachary Smith, a negotiator from the SETI Institute, whose mission is to search for extraterrestrial life forms.
LPD allowed Smith to negotiate with Granite before taking any action.
The SETI negotiator told Granite if she agreed to surrender he would schedule her on the next shuttle flight to her home, the planet "Number 9".
An ambulance from the Dr. Demento Memorial Funny Farm Hospital was standing by to transport Granite.
Granite told Smith she would not surrender until Lemonville Mayor Moises Suarez agreed to “abdicate his throne and grant her full authority over the city.”
By now of course, television stations were covering the story live on all Miami stations.
The Lemonville Public Information Officer Lynn Courtney was preparing to issue a statement on live TV, not realizing she already was on live TV when she said the following:
“That women is nuts, she’s always been nuts and everyone in Lemonville knows it. Her whole family is crazy, but she is the head nutcase. %$%^# loony. OK, is everyone ready? Jim, you set? OK, here we go in 5, 4, 3, 2, ... The Mayor expresses his deep concern for Ms. Granite and her wonderful family. He urges Janet Granite to surrender to LPD and assures her that no harm will come to her.”
At press time, Granite remained holed up in the TTRS.
Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, as former speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives Tip O'Neil said, "All politics is local" and may we add, sometimes loco.
Next, I'll blog all over you from Vedderville, Fla. where local real estate agents have hit bottom.
Lemonville, Fla. (SWG) - City council meetings are known to be, in the words of a longtime city resident, "better than 'South Park' reruns" in this mid-size city of 84,995 just outside Miami.
But the Lemonville city council meeting turned ugly and hysterical this week when longtime city resident and activist Janet Granite refused to stop speaking after her 5 minutes were up during the public comment time of the meeting.
As Lemonville Police Officer Ralli Tagart was ordered by the mayor to remove Granite from the council chamber, she bolted to her feet and declared that she was taking over the city under the rights granted to her by “her leader RANCHELLA.”
See, turns out that Granite believes she is from a planet know as “Number 9 in the Vulpeculae Cluster.”
Really she does, according to her longtime friend and psychiatrist Dr. Bill. Dr. Bill is not a doctor, but he pretends to be one in Lemonville.
When Targart attempted to arrest Granite she was able to struggled free ran from city hall and down Merchant Avenue with Tagart in pursuit.
Unfortunately, Targart was slowed as a Chihuahua, excited by the disturbance, had chased Tagart, bitten his leg, and was hanging on for dear life.
A dog "stylist", who refused to identify herself, said she recognized the dog, he was a client of hers and his name was “Bitsy.”
Granite escaped from Targart.
Later that evening Lemonville police had found Granite and had cornered her in the old Toy Train Repair Station on the eastern edge of town.
The LPD SWAT Pair (cutbacks reduced the Lemonville SWAT Team to only two members) was called in, along with Dr. Zachary Smith, a negotiator from the SETI Institute, whose mission is to search for extraterrestrial life forms.
LPD allowed Smith to negotiate with Granite before taking any action.
The SETI negotiator told Granite if she agreed to surrender he would schedule her on the next shuttle flight to her home, the planet "Number 9".
An ambulance from the Dr. Demento Memorial Funny Farm Hospital was standing by to transport Granite.
Granite told Smith she would not surrender until Lemonville Mayor Moises Suarez agreed to “abdicate his throne and grant her full authority over the city.”
By now of course, television stations were covering the story live on all Miami stations.
The Lemonville Public Information Officer Lynn Courtney was preparing to issue a statement on live TV, not realizing she already was on live TV when she said the following:
“That women is nuts, she’s always been nuts and everyone in Lemonville knows it. Her whole family is crazy, but she is the head nutcase. %$%^# loony. OK, is everyone ready? Jim, you set? OK, here we go in 5, 4, 3, 2, ... The Mayor expresses his deep concern for Ms. Granite and her wonderful family. He urges Janet Granite to surrender to LPD and assures her that no harm will come to her.”
At press time, Granite remained holed up in the TTRS.
Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, as former speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives Tip O'Neil said, "All politics is local" and may we add, sometimes loco.
Next, I'll blog all over you from Vedderville, Fla. where local real estate agents have hit bottom.
© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC
Labels: Activists goes crazy
posted by JT Seravat @ 11:36 AM
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