Government Cost Cutting

AAs always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Hottashell County, Fla. (SWG) - Like many counties across the country that have been faced with having to cut budgets and find alternative ways to generate revenue that is being lost to a declining economy.

Here is Hottashell County, County Administrator Jim Hatchet has come up with $10 million more in cuts than the HC Board of County Commissioners requested.

"I believe this is an opportunity," said Hatchet, "Heck, we should have done this a long time ago. We can save millions with these simple changes that won't really affect our employees or our customers, the citizen of this fine county."

So just what are these "simple changes"?

• The "Time 'SChair' Program" — The county is going to sell half of all its office chairs occupied by a who is at a G7 level or lower when there are several of those workers in one location. Two workers will than share one chair: one hour standing, kneeling or laying on the floor and one hour sitting in the lone chair they share. Workers must continue working whether in the chair or not. No lap sitting allowed.

• The "Multiple Team Projects Joint Pay Initiative" — "When a project requires more than one person working on it, each employee will receive whatever portion of pay per hour determined by the number of persons working on the project proportional to project completion estimates," according to a county report specify the changes. (Editor's Note: Huh? What does that mean?) We asked HC county spokesperson Twipple Lockhead, "If two people are working on a project together for six hours, each worker receives only three hours pay."

• The "Secure Lunch Site Safety Program" — Ever concerned about worker safety, the county is requiring that employees remain in their buildings for their entire nine-hour shift, including thier on-hour unpaid lunch. Special "Lunch Safety Site Cafeterias" are being set up. Lunches ranging from $12.95 (hot dog and a bag of chips) to $36.95 (Caesar salad with grilled chicken product) will be served in all the LSS cafeterias. Soft drinks, coffee or tea: $6.

Some other "simple changes":

• Toilet paper is now considered a personal item — bring your own.
• Parking passes will be sold starting Monday. Monthly pass: $80. Yearly pass: $1120.
• Office supplies — buy all your own office supplies at Hatchet Stationers and receive a 2-percent discount.
• Standing around the water cooler, sharing stories, laughing with co-workers — priceless. But unfortunately the water coolers are history. Bottled water: $2. See your supervisor.
• Oh, and when you leave work tonight and go to punch your timecard, don't forget to put a quarter in the slot of the time card machine before you insert your card.
  

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember not to forget to bring your TP tomorrow if you work in Hottashell County, Fla.

Next, I'll blog all over you from the lovely center of the state to Turtletown, Fla. where pigs are causing a few "issues."

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC