The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News

Laziness is painless, it brings on absolutely no changes

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 20:43:00 +0000

As always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation.

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go

By JT Seravat

Egdum, Fla. (SWG) - Although it is considered one of the most desirable towns to live in Florida, at least by Ninety is Nifty magazine, Egdum is not know for being the brightest or most productive of Florida's towns and cities.

In fact, according to town historian, Florence Fickleheimer, the only thing she recalls that has happened of any significance between the town's founding in 1924 and today, is when Ellie the Elephant escaped from town in 1974 and ran away to join the circus. Apparently, Ellie had been working for the railroad prior to running away.

Fickleheimer added that after working in the circus for over a decade, Ellie started the American Federation of Large Animals at Circuses (AFLAC). The union went on to win basic rights for all animals performing in circuses throughout the world. Ellie retired from performing and as president of AFLAC in 1992, moving to La Jolla, Ca. When asked why she choose California instead of her birth place Florida to retire, Ellie is reported to have said, "The weather's nicer and the people are smarter."

So, despite the great event of Ellie escape, people are not surprised that they don't hear much about Egdum, Fla.

But what's happened in the last year has even the people of this sleepy town concerned.

"You see, we're use to people going through their lives without caring much 'bout anything. Doing just about as little as they have to, to keep their jobs and survive, but the last year's been scary," said longtime town Mayor William "Sleepy" Simpson.

You see, people are not showing up for work, showing up and only putting in 5-6 hour days and well some people are just walking around their jobs drinking tea and talking all day. It's a mystery.

Scientist from the Institute for Small Town Labor Studies have been in Egdum for three months and concluded the problem is systemic.

It appears that this phoenomenom is the result of a sort of "Reverse Management Pyramid" theory according to the STLS.

The STLS has found it to be the only reason the entire town is incapable of accomplishing anything.

"The theory most definitely applies here. These people, if they ever were productive, became incapable of doing any work after years of the laziest, incompetent and uncaring people rising to the highest management positions. This of course makes it impossible for any workers under these managers to care about accomplishing things since their managers care less than they do," according to Theodore Kran, director of laziness studies at STLS.

Mr. Kran and his colleagues plan to publish the results of their findings in American Labor News under the headline, "The Egdum Syndrome: Disintegration of American Worker Intergrity."

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, when all is said and done, you must live with how you lived you're life.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Bucklebutt, Fla. where the newly elected city council passes an ordinance require men not to wear their pants to high over their hips.

Published Feb. 27, 2009

Water and Tee Shirts

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 13:44:00 +0000

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go

By JT Seravat

Tillytown, Fla. (SWG) - Excitement filled the air here it this lovely seaside village. No it didn't. That's what the PR guy told us to say, but we won't because it's a lie.

He and others at The Not Quite Southwestern Middle Coast Water District Agency aren't happy.

The powerful regional agency held its annual Water Quality District 12 Class 5A competition in Tillytown this week.

For those of you not aware of this competition, it’s huge in the water business. Each city or town is eligible to compete in local, district, regional and then the State Water Quality Championships in Eessahallat in May.

It's the Super Bowl of water quality.

So why is the NQSNCWDA unhappy?

Well, it seems the district competition in Tillytown this week along with districts throughout the state have had very poor attendance.

Can’t imagine why. Unless the District Grass Growing competitions were going on at the same time.

All kidding aside, these water guys and gals take their water and water competition seriously, and they’ve come up with an answer to the low attendance.

Ready?

After each water-tasting competition, the NQSNCWDA will sponsor a wet T-shirt contest involving women from the towns competing in the water quality testing.

No one will be admitted after the water tasting begins.

“We expect much larger crowds at next year’s competition. Water quality and water management are important issues and the citizens of your community need to be informed,” said NQSSNCWDA Director of Development Sheila Wallenbee.

We contacted Wallenbee at her Eessahallat office.

I asked Wallenbee if she felt it was appropriate to use a wet T-shirt contest as a means to have people attend the water quality competition.

“Look, the entire cultural and social structure has clearly deteriorated to the point where appealing to people’s greed, physical thrill or sexual appetite are the only means by which to get them to attend boring, yet educational events like this, and everybody knows it,” said Wallenbee.

Well now isn’t that an optimistic view of things.

Seems water people can get testy at times when things don’t flow their way.

By the way ladies, applications to be in the 2010 wet T-shirt competition can be had by calling 555-6666 or online at qqq.wetwater.com.

Gentlemen, to reserve your tickets for the 2010 water-tasting competition, see Marilyn at the Tillytown Water Department.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, to get your tickets early for next years competition.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Flatland, Fla. where police are baffled by people disappearing.

Published Feb. 13, 2009

Disappearing

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 13:30:00 +0000

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go

By JT Seravat

Flattown, Fla. (SWG) - Over the last two weeks, Flattown Police have taken six reports of missing persons.

Is that a lot?

"Well, for Flattown, that would be a lot in a year.

We are definitely concerned about this and looking for any pattern that may exist." said Flattown Police Department Det. George Garrison.

I asked Garrison if these disappearances could have anything to do with Jane Granite of Lemonville, Fla. vanishing into a giant beam of light from the sky on Nov. 29, 2008 when she was holed up in the Toy Train Repair Station while evading arrest. (See "Activist goes Crazy" - Nov. 24, 2008)

“We’re looking into that possibility, but don't say anything about that because we don’t want to cause a panic, you know.” said Garrison.

We know.

The last thing we want to do is tell people you could be walking into L Mart to buy a pair of socks when a giant beam of light lifts you into the sky and aboard an alien spacecraft where the aliens take this device that looks like a combination between a pair of alligator pliers and a sicle and....

Boy, that was close. We also let the horrible mutated cat out of the bag. You could just sense the hysteria and panic about to begin.

It is true that Granite was lifted into the sky on the morning of Nov. 29, 2008 when she was avoiding arrest by the Lemonville Police Department. Over 30 people witnessed that including several LPD officers and Dr. Zachary Smith from the Search for Extra Terrestrials.

Garrison did point out that TPD was especially concerned since the people disappearing were not downtrodden people like photographers, sports writers, truckers or housekeepers.

No, these were regular normal people like realtors, ad salespeople, business owners and authors.

Garrison said he would consider requesting help from federal authorities if TPD gets no additional leads.

Is it possible this is a hoax perpetrated by those people who have disappeared.

But Garrison doubts it because TPD can’t find any connection between the parties.

We’ll keep you posted.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, well, maybe carry baby powder with you at all times. In case you disappear you can spread it on yourself and they can find you. Hey, it's worth a shot.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Egdum, Fla. where people are mysteriously becoming incapable of accomplishing anything, anything at all.

Published Feb. 17, 2009.

Screaming

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 13:54:00 +0000

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go

By JT Seravat

Linnville, Fla. (SWG) - Women in this lovely East Coast Florida village who were wearing any red clothing began screaming hysterically Sunday afternoon, and as of press time today nothing has been able to stop them.

At 3:21 p.m. Sunday Linnville Police received a call from Hannigan’s Bar.

These are the exact words of bartender Shirley McTinkle taken from her 911 call to LPD.

“This is Shirley, the bartender over here at Hannigan’s, and you better send a cop over here. About five minutes ago this women started screaming and she won’t stop. She ain’t even drunk. Here. Listen.” (Screaming can be heard in the background.)

LPD officers arrived and the woman, later identified as Cindy Sinatowallen, would not stop screaming.

“Gulliver was cuffed, placed in a patrol car and a decision was made to take her to Linnville For Profit Hospital for observation,” said LPD Chief Rudy Backford.

Sinatowallon is still screaming.

But that’s not the worse news.

There are now a total of 73 Linneville women all under five foot tall who are screaming continuously for no known reason.

A team from the Centers for Disease Control has been at Linnville For Profit Hospital working with city and county health officials to try to determine why these women are screaming.
“We’re attempting to come up with some methodology for testing why these women are screaming.” said CDC spokeswoman Dr. Robin Patchman.

“Testing of their brains seems to indicate that they reached a point of massive, uncontrollable hysteria that was going to result in a nervous system collapse. Needing an outlet for the nervous system hysteria overload, the brain told these women to start screaming,” said Patchman.

Whatever may be causing it, it is becoming a problem as hospital staff who are reportedly going crazy listening to this screaming.

The Army Corps of Engineers has been called in to build a 35,000 square foot temporary dormitory facility that is soundproof to house the screaming women until medical personnel can figure out how to stop it.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, ear plugs go on sale at L Mart starting today.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Tillytown, Fla. where the local water district holds its major event of the year.

Published Jan 8, 2009

Shopping Craze

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 20:05:00 +0000

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go

By JT Seravat

Mymammy, Fla. (SWG) - Shopping won't be as exciting as years ago, but there are more sales.

Credit cards at the ready, gifts to return with receipts attached to them, body armor on and flyers from every store in hand, Retta and Debtor Baretta are ready.

Seravat Writers Group will be reporting on the after Holiday shopping spree from the city of Mymammy.

We arrived at the Baretta’s house at 12:30 a.m. on Friday, Dec. 26, 2007.

It is the first shopping day after Christmas.

The only other day this reporter can remember that had the potential to cause such citywide pandemonium was when those squirrels massed on the big hill overlooking the Booden Woods in East Wilkinson, Fla. and threatened to attack the city.

The “Official First Day of Shopping After Christmas,” as it has been dubbed by the Mymammy Chamber of Commercialism, officially begins at 1 a.m. Friday.

The Baretta's and thousands of others were waiting at stores as the doors opened.

So if you are standing there in your robe on your front stoop reading this in your local paper at 6 a.m., first, close your robe, and second, get dressed and get shopping, people — you’re already five hours late.

“The Mymammy retail and restaurant sector intends to make this not only our first Official First Day of Shopping After Christmas, but our finest,” said Vaughn Momo, MCC assistant director of official statements, in an unofficial statement leaked to the press on Christmas Day.

“Special events will be taking place throughout the day. I’m pleased and happy to repeat the news that we have, in fact, retained Johnny and the Ghostly Trio, who will be playing reggae all day in the middle of the roundabout at the Halfempty Mall. It will be a beautiful day, all the stores and restaurants will be open and people will have a wonderful time. Mymammy, as you know, means insanity.”

MCC released a statement later in the day that stated, “Regarding Mr. Momo’s statement issued earlier today, please substitute the word ‘fabulous’ for the word ‘insanity.’ Thank you.”

Well, at 10 a.m. here on West Mymammy Avenue, where thousands gathered to return items, purchase new items and enjoy the lovely St. Valentines and Easter decorations that have been set up to remind folks of the next big shopping days when they can substitute buying stuff for a lack of creative and spiritual satisfaction in their lives.

“I am happy to be here right after Christmas to be passing out ultra-high-trans-fat candy to overweight children to remind their parents St. Valentines Day and Easter will be here before you know it,” said a 7-foot-tall bunny roaming down the middle of the street. The bunny refused to give his name.

Flyers were being handed out at the mall that a man will be here at 4 p.m. dressed up as Uncle Sam to remind us to buy fireworks and food for the Fourth of July.

Florida Gov. Crispy should up to remind people that if they didn't buy things, lots of things, that Florida would go into a depression and even the illegal aliens would return to their home countries forcing fat white rich slobs that inhabit Florida to cut their own grass, clean their own houses, fix their own roofs and never eat oranges or lemons again.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, a new Florida law requires all part time residents to spend a minimum of $ 60,000 between January and March. Thank you snowbirds for your cooperation.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Linnville, Fla. where women are screaming? That's what it says here on the "wire."

Publish Dec. 28 2008

Santa Missing - Part Three (final)

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:29:00 +0000

By JT Seravat

Part three of a three-part series.

Kimcoola, Fla. (SWG) - For those of you just joining us, in our last report the evil sisters-in-crime, Kimcoola's Public Information Officer Pamela Nocomment and Kimcoola local newspaper gossip columnist Courtney Cox, had dinner with Santa Claus at Tama’s Diner.

Recent information has come to our attention.

Their next stop for Nocomment, Cox and Santa was the now infamous club, Tribabe’s.

The bouncer at the door, Cindy Knuckles, remembers the trio.

“I thought Santa was just a women dressed up for the holidays. Hell, we got women dressed up as bikers, hikers and well, like lots of other things I don’t think you want to write in your paper, so why the hell would I be suspicious of a Santa?” said Knuckles, adding, “Now get the hell out of here — you’re starting to bother me."

Once in the club, Santa, surrounded by hundreds of (adjectives deleted by censors) women, was according to witnesses minding his own business when one club goer interviewed by police said all hell broke loose.

“The crazy @*$%^# comes running onto the dance floor holding a badge, and a really big gun, screaming police, which of course got a lot of the more subtle women’s attention. Then she grabs Santa around the neck,” said Eileen Smallponds.

According to Smallponds, Det. Sandra Sinfilled then told no one to move, she was leaving with Santa and there was no reason for anyone to get hurt.

Sinfilleld must have called for back-up because as she exited with Santa, police had the club surrounded.

Anderson and Cox surrendered without incident.

Later that day Kimcoola Nonews Gazette carrier pigeon brought in a message to the news room/ tea room, Kralc County State Attorney Moe Fine announced no charges will be filed against Kimcoola PIO Pamela Nocomment or KNG gossip columnist Courtney Cox.

“We believe after interviewing hundreds of witnesses and several interviews with Santa himself that Santa voluntarily went with Cox and Anderson to get some rest. Santa admits the trio made it appear to be a kidnapping so (please stop reading aloud now if there are children in the room) Santa could maintain his reputation and standing among the children of the world. Therefore all three are free to go. No charges will be filed,” said Fine in the statement.

Kimcoola Mayor Latka Von Rigenhousen released this statement after hearing no charges will be filed against the city’s PIOs.

“The girls, hmm hmm, women, did nothing wrong and we intend to reinstate them in their positions with full pay, after granting them six additional weeks of paid vacation and a free round trip to Wakaya Island with all expenses paid for the entire six weeks. They need time to rest from this ordeal,” read the statement.

Lucky they didn’t face jail time — they might have received a new house and their own reality TV show, in the opinion of this reporter.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, Santa is now available 24/7 as he has been placed under house arrest until Christmas.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Mymammy, Fla. where folks are getting ready for the after holiday shopping sales.

Publish Dec. 22 2008

Santa's Missing - Part Two

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 02:37:00 +0000

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Part two of a three-part series.

Kimcoola, Fla. (SWG) - The blonde (Kimcoola Public Information Officer Pamela Nocomment) and brunette (Kimcoola Nonews Gazette Gossip Columnist Courtney Cox) were picked up outside a women’s club on the east side of the City of Our Lady of the Sorrows of the Great Meadow.

And, ladies and gentlemen, it appears the women’s club is not the same kind of women’s club that the God-fearing, respectful, fine women attend in the city of Kimcoola, Fla.

No.

This place, according to the Kralc County Sheriff’s Office, was called Tribabe’s.

Kralc County State’s Attorney Moe Fine announced he hasn’t decided whether charges will be filed against the pair.

A press conference was held by city and county officials.

“Well, when one of our KCSO female undercover detectives, Det. Sandra Sinfilled, walked into Tribabe’s she immediately spotted Santa," said KCSO spokesman Red "JJ" Anderson.

KCSA's Fine spoke next, "According to Sinfilled's report, ‘Santa was dancing with five to seven women and appeared to be enjoying himself unlike any kidnap victim I’ve ever seen.’

Fine continued, "As a result of her report, our office intends to interview as many of the women who were in the club last night as possible before reaching a decision on whether charges will be filed. Are there any questions?”

“Yeah, Ned Dumbnuts, Great Meadow Action News — Your Hometown 37 News Station — All Local News — All the Time here. Was the female undercover officer on duty while she was prowling through the Tribabe's? Second, could you describe the undercover officer and what she was wearing? Or even better, is there any surveillance tape from inside the Tribabe’s that we could air over and over and over again until we air it one more time during May sweeps?” Dunkin asked.

“No, you slime,” said Fine.

Police speculate that Anderson and Cox had thrown Santa in the trunk of their 1966 Thunderbird and driven straight to the City of Our Lady of the Sorrows of the Great Meadow.

Witnesses interviewed by law enforcement said the duo had checked into the Half-Hour $20. Open All Night Motel and then shortly afterward headed out with Santa.

They were next seen at Tama’s Diner, where they were served by waitress Floly Greensheets. “I wasn’t suspicious because I was working back to back to back to back double shifts to be able to afford a Christmas tree and some gifts for me and my kids, so I hadn’t seen the news in days. The guy that owns this place doesn’t allow us to have a TV or radio. Anyway, everything seemed normal to me. In this city, a blonde and a brunette dressed like they were going to work at a strip club out for dinner with Santa Claus is not abnormal,” said Greensheets.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then we will keep you informed. Will Santa be found? Is he safe? Will the toys be delivered on time? How is Rudolph holding up under the intense emotional strain?

To be continued.

Santa's Missing - Part One

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 22:13:00 +0000

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Part one of a three-part series.

Kimcoola, Fla. (SWG) - A state-wide all-points bulletin was issued by the Florida Highway Patrol Tuesday at 1:40 p.m. when Santa Claus failed to show up for a scheduled appearance at the Kimcoola City Council meeting.

This city of 59,324 was shocked as word spread of Santa's disappearance.

“We certainly would like the public’s help on this,” said Kimcoola Police Chief Lisa Funnyhat, “The suspect was last seen by the reindeer Trixie (formerly known as Vixen) at 9:15 a.m. at the Htron Elop Toy Making Facility. The suspect is a male Caucasian with Roswell alien DNA strands 376-PY and 119-N. He is about five feet, 10 inches tall, weighing 327 and one-half pounds. He has gray hair, a long gray beard and one blue eye and one red eye.”

(Santa’s red eye was caused by a tragic accident when he was photographed by a celebrity gossip columnist two years ago who gave him red eye. Some of the world’s best photo doctors have been unable to cure the condition.)

According to Trixie, Santa was wearing the usual Santa suit: red jacket and pants with white trim. Trixie insisted, however, that instead of the red hat, she saw Santa wearing a purple, wide-brimmed women’s hat with a fake orange feather and three large deep-purple feathers sticking out of it.

(Editors Note: Do we need to explain to the readers when it became possible for reindeer to talk? Nah.)

“We have law enforcement throughout the state searching for Santa,” said Redford.

Redford refused to speculate on whether Santa had wandered off not realizing who he was, had perpetrated his own disappearance, or the unimaginable: Santa had been kidnapped.

Unfortunately, some people have started wild rumors as to Santa’s fate.

As children cried at Tuesday’s city council meeting, things turned ugly when a member of the gallery yelled out, “It was the mayor! He kidnapped Santa!”

Shouting continued for more than 10 minutes when KPD called in backup units to restore order.

In an odd coincidence, Kimcoola Public Information Officer Pamela Nocomment and Kimcoola's local gossip editor, Courtney Cox, from the Kimcoola Nonews Gazette left together shortly after Santa failed to arrive, and no one has seen them since.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember stay vigilant and tuned to this website for news on the whereabouts of Santa.

To be continued.

Bah Humbug Pageant

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 00:04:00 +0000

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Grumpyton, Fla. (SWG) - The 20 finalists are in place for this Friday night’s Bah Humbug Day Pageant to be held at Grumpyton Community Center. Every December the fine residents of Grumpyton, population 21,231, hold the town's much-anticipated Bah Humbug Day Pageant.

The residents, mostly retirees from Michigan, prepare all year for the event. By late Friday night we will know the names of the 12 Humbuggers who will represent Grumpyton in the county's Bah Humbug Day Pageant, Wednesday, Dec. 24.

“No matter which 12 are selected, we feel we have an excellent opportunity to win not only the team humbug competition, but also some of the individual categories, including Humbug King or Queen,” said Grumpyton Mayor Latka Von Rigenhousen.

“I would say my optimism is more guarded than the mayor’s. The town of Doowelgne has a very strong team this year,” said Grumpytown Bah Humbug Head Coach Tony T. Tonasaki.

The Bah Humbug Competition events this year include:

• The "Screaming at Cashiers" competition. Winners are determined by how loud the cashiers yell back, how much they cry or if they quit on the spot. Last year's winner of this event Fred Crocker, left cashier Don Arroz suffering a breakdown on the floor in aisle 12 of the local L Mart store.

• Twelve contestants at a time will hope to win the “Grab the Last Toy when the Music Stops” competition, held at the local "China Corporation Toys-Ah-Us" store. No holds barred. Punching, kicking and biting are acceptable. After a tragic incident last year, contestants will not be allowed to carry concealed firearms this year.

• The "Taunting Santa" competition takes place at the local mall. Contestants stand to the side of the "Santa Clause" posing for photos with children and taunt him until he breaks. Points are awarding on how angry Santa gets. Last year's winner, Gelda Selig of Grumpyton, was chased more than 100 yards by "Santa" armed with a five-foot candy cane screaming, "I'm going to kill you, you ugly *%@#$." Police tackled "Santa" before he could reach Selig.
• Four contestants will play “Steal a Parking Space at the Mall.” You know this game: Someone is clearly waiting for a car to vacate a parking spot and you cut them off and take the space.

• The “How Obnoxious Can Your Child be in Public” competition. Contests will coach a child to annoy people as much as possible. It is a four-part event. Venues are: a church, a restaurant, and a long line at a toy store. George Mallethead still holds the record for this competition with 476 points scored in 1994. Malletmet is still restricted by a court order from conceiving or adopting children.

• The "Most Weight Gained" competition. Contestants were weighed at 6 a.m. on Thanksgiving Day. Between than and 12:01 a.m. Dec. 23, contestants compete to gain the most weight by eating candy, cookies, dips, chips, Jack Daniels, and, for the truly courageous, fruitcake.

• "Going-Into-Debt-Up-To-and-Over-Your-Eyeballs" competition. Winner will have charged the most on as many credit cards as they can be approved for. Last year's total $178,423.93. Winner Ralph Att called this reporter last week to let us know he was granted a bailout from thee United States last week and is now debt free.

• Special points go to the Bah Humbug contestant who comes up with the most creative "Bah Humbug Spontaneous Event". Last year it was Doowelgne team member Richy Gomek, who volunteered to dress up as Santa Claus for one of the elementary school parties and then in front of more than 250 school children yelled, not “Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas” but, “Bah Humbug, little brats, you see there is no Santa Claus” as he took off his red suit, pulled off his fake white beard, knocked over a paper mache "Rudolph" and left the school. Teachers and parents consoled more than 200 screaming and crying children.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember tickets for this year's Bah Humbug Pageant are available at local Grumpyton retailers displaying the photo of Foxy News' Bill O'Reilly, dressed as The Grinch.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Kimcoola, Fla. where "Santa" is missing.

Poor, Poor Realtors

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 23:54:00 +0000

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Vedderville, Fla. (SWG) - Like almost every community in Florida, the town of Vedderville, population 12,789, has suffered from a collapse of the real estate market. Housing prices are down 60 percent from their peak in 2005.

Housing sales are at a standstill, with only 3 houses sold here in October.

It should be no surprise that unemployment is up throughout town but real estate agents and brokers have seen their incomes cut down to almost nothing.

The news coming out of Vedderville this week, however sad, was not unexpected.

Vedderville's local paper the Vedderville Uniformer lead with sad news on page one of its weekly edition published according to a banner on their front page, "every Tuesday unless it's late then we'll get it to you on Wednesday."

Reporter Greg Allsmiles reported.

"Another Realtor was found passed out on the floor of the men’s room at Hannigans Bar Tuesday afternoon."

Well, this unfortunately is not uncommon in Vedderville.

We spoke with Mr. Allsmiles early Wednesday evening after he returned a call we made to him in the afternoon at 3 p.m. According to the receptionist at the Uniformer, reporter Allsmiles is unavailable in the afternoons between the hours of noon and 4 p.m. when he is napping.

"Yes, that makes the 38th Realtor to be found passed out in one of our local bars in the middle of the afternoon since the beginning of the year," said Allsmiles.

We also spoke with the towns board of realtors.

“It’s sad, and it’s a crisis,” said Vedderville Board of Realtors President Charlene Mackerel, adding, “I remember we faced this situation back in the mid 70’s when the real estate market collapsed. These poor Realtors, and in this market I mean poor, have nothing to do, so they end up in bars, drink too much and pass out. Our organization has started a program to encourage Realtors to change careers.”

Indeed the Vedderville Board of Realtors has tried to help.

The “Would You Like to Supersize That” program instituted by the VBR has already graduated 42 Realtors.

"These realtors must face the same reality as newspaper special section editors, wall street derivatives traders and other workers who have no real training in a useful field," said Mackerel. "They have to enter the exciting new world of hospitality or retail."

During our visit to Vedderville, we had the opportunity to meet one of VBR's former realtors and WYLST graduate, Egdum Brownybrook.

"I could not be more excited at the opportunity given to me by VBR President Mackerel for the retraining and new life they she and the board have given me," said Brownybrook.

Thanks to my training, the wonderful counseling I've received at the Dr Demento Free Clinic, the free "pleasure pills" perscribed by Vedderville's Dr. Kerry Kickback and the wonderful people here at my new employer, I'm happy all the time, said Brownybrook.

"Do you feel like this new career will fulfill you?" I asked Brownybrook.

"Feel, you don't understand, I love my life now," he said, adding, "I don't feel a damn thing thanks to my medication and two hours at the bar after work everyday and I have no responsibilty anymore.

"Well, I best get back to work here," said Brownybrook.

"Thank you for speaking to me for my story," I told Brownybrook.

"Oh no," he said, "Thank you. And thank you for shopping at Walmart."

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember if your in school, stay in school and not in real estate school.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Grumpyton, Fla. where the annual "Bah Humbug Pageant" takes place each holiday season.

Activist goes crazy

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:36:00 +0000

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Lemonville, Fla. (SWG) - City council meetings are known to be, in the words of a longtime city resident, "better than 'South Park' reruns" in this mid-size city of 84,995 just outside Miami.

But the Lemonville city council meeting turned ugly and hysterical this week when longtime city resident and activist Janet Granite refused to stop speaking after her 5 minutes were up during the public comment time of the meeting.

As Lemonville Police Officer Ralli Tagart was ordered by the mayor to remove Granite from the council chamber, she bolted to her feet and declared that she was taking over the city under the rights granted to her by “her leader RANCHELLA.”

See, turns out that Granite believes she is from a planet know as “Number 9 in the Vulpeculae Cluster.”

Really she does, according to her longtime friend and psychiatrist Dr. Bill. Dr. Bill is not a doctor, but he pretends to be one in Lemonville.

When Targart attempted to arrest Granite she was able to struggled free ran from city hall and down Merchant Avenue with Tagart in pursuit.

Unfortunately, Targart was slowed as a Chihuahua, excited by the disturbance, had chased Tagart, bitten his leg, and was hanging on for dear life.

A dog "stylist", who refused to identify herself, said she recognized the dog, he was a client of hers and his name was “Bitsy.”

Granite escaped from Targart.

Later that evening Lemonville police had found Granite and had cornered her in the old Toy Train Repair Station on the eastern edge of town.

The LPD SWAT Pair (cutbacks reduced the Lemonville SWAT Team to only two members) was called in, along with Dr. Zachary Smith, a negotiator from the SETI Institute, whose mission is to search for extraterrestrial life forms.

LPD allowed Smith to negotiate with Granite before taking any action.

The SETI negotiator told Granite if she agreed to surrender he would schedule her on the next shuttle flight to her home, the planet "Number 9".

An ambulance from the Dr. Demento Memorial Funny Farm Hospital was standing by to transport Granite.

Granite told Smith she would not surrender until Lemonville Mayor Moises Suarez agreed to “abdicate his throne and grant her full authority over the city.”

By now of course, television stations were covering the story live on all Miami stations.

The Lemonville Public Information Officer Lynn Courtney was preparing to issue a statement on live TV, not realizing she already was on live TV when she said the following:

“That women is nuts, she’s always been nuts and everyone in Lemonville knows it. Her whole family is crazy, but she is the head nutcase. %$%^# loony. OK, is everyone ready? Jim, you set? OK, here we go in 5, 4, 3, 2, ... The Mayor expresses his deep concern for Ms. Granite and her wonderful family. He urges Janet Granite to surrender to LPD and assures her that no harm will come to her.”

At press time, Granite remained holed up in the TTRS.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, as former speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives Tip O'Neil said, "All politics is local" and may we add, sometimes loco.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Vedderville, Fla. where local real estate agents have hit bottom.

New teaching techniques

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 21:36:00 +0000

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Pelitile, Fla. (SWG) - Improving high school student aptitude scores was a top priority for Larry Washington when he was hired as school superintendent in this town 0f 23,981 in the panhandle of Florida.

Washington wasted no time in preparing to implement a program he feels will bring about the changes that parents are looking for in improving their students abilities.

"I have consulted with experts from all over the South and am convinced that this element of my new 'You Will Learn' program will be successful," said Washington last week.

Washington was at the Pelitile High School on Tuesday to announce his the specifics of his program and to implement the first of many changes he feels will work to improve student learning and improve their scores on statewide tests.

The first step of Washington's bold plan — installation of lasers in all classrooms.

“It is imperative that we use every tool available to improve our state test scores. As you know, the school district with the highest test scores receives millions in state aid. This money is critical in not only improving our schools, but also guaranteeing large raises for myself and my inner circle,” said Washington.

According Teddy “Big Mac” Cortland, director of advanced technology for the Pelitile School District, the lasers emit a thin beam which results in a mild shock, and a burning sensation to a students skin when they are hit by it.

Teachers will use the lasers on students during practice testing for the state exams.

Each teacher will have a remote targeting/firing device to hit students with a beam when they get an incorrect answer, thus aiding them in the learning process,” said Cortland.

The mayor, city counselors, county commissioners and distinguished guests were on hand to witness a demonstration of the device after the superintendent’s press conference.

Rhonda Getterman, the principal of Pelitile High School and a rather attractive principal as principals go volunteered her son Rufus to be tested by, what Washington has termed, "a new learning device."

SWG has learned that Getterman volunteered her son after Washington called Getterman to remind her that her contract as principal of PHS expires at the end of this school year.

Rufus is a junior at EHS, sporting a black eye, which he said he received when "he fell", sat in the test chair while dozens of dignitaries looked on.

Someone from the crowd yelled, " We’re proud of you, Rufus" just as Teddy “Big Mac” Cortland pressed the remote and fired on the young Rufus.

Washington was heard screaming, "Shut it off, dammit, shut it off" as people screamed, trampling each other to get out of the classroom.

Speaking in front of Pelitile For Profit Hospital later in the day Washington had this to say, "We are pleased to announce that Rufus is expected to recover fully from the unfortunate accident which occurred this morning and I think it is important we stay focused on the positive news. Rufus was able to recite all the Presidents of the United States in order this afternoon. He has become smarter and doctors feel the shaking and twitching the young man is experience should dissapate over time."

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember students, bring a mirror or wrap yourself in heavy aluminum foil before attending classes tomorrow at PHS.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Lemonville, Fla. where a longtime city activist has apparently been working too hard.

Maroon hat ladies gone wild

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 12:59:00 +0000

By JT Seravat

Oldsville, Fla. (SWG) - The Maroon Hat Ladies were out in force this weekend for their lovely "Annual Downtown Stroll" in this retirement city of 52.937. If you are unfamiliar with the group they are a group of senior women who believe when the get older they are free to do whatever they wish. It is normally a peaceful social group.

The Hatters who came from as far away as Carpman, Fla numbered in the hundreds. In the morning the Hatters enjoyed food, arts and craft vendors and various musicians.

"A wonderful morning, just wonderful." said Assistant Head Hatter Millie Constance.

Many of the Hatters carried single roses that were provided by Lionthrone Florists. Singing could be heard all over our lovely downtown area of Oldsville.

So just how the riot started is unclear.

But after the rioting ended around 8 p.m. 87 Hatters had been arrested, 22 of those with minor injuries. An additional 34 Hatters were treated at the Oldsville For Profit Hospital and released.

SWG was able to speak with several witnesses.

The most credible of these witnesses seem to be Gertrude Yupper.

"I seen the whole thing. It was bout 3 p.m. a cop stopped that poor women for jaywalking with her ice cream cone. When the copper wrote her a ticket, she ripped it up and threw it in the air. The copper must have called for backup cause two minutes later three more coppers show up and they handcuff that poor women right there in the middle of the street. It was terrible." said Yupper.

Putting together the stories of other witnesses what happened next escalated the arrest into a riot.

As six Oldsville Police Department officers tried to remove the arrested women from the scene, dozens of Hatters began beating the officers with umbrellas, hairbrushes, false teeth and anything else they could use as a weapon.

OPD let the first tear gas canister fly into the crowd at 4:13 p.m.

Hatters, some of them apparently relying on things they had learned in the 1960s, began tossing Molotav Cocktails at the police.

"Oh yeah, I saw it," said local business owner Vern Hosselman, "The Hatters broke into the R&G wine shop. They emptied those bottles of wine, while another group ran them over to the gas station. Then, well... it was just one explosion after the next."

OPD riot officers seemed to be gaining the upper hand around 6 p.m.

But then with yet another surge, the crowd of Maroon Hatters forced the police to retreat.

"They threw everything at us on that last surge of the line. A veteran officer was taken down by a "walker" to the knee caps. He would have been beaten to death by those canes, if we hadn't surged forward to surround and rescue him." said OPD LT. Dave Merlow.

It remained quiet for another hour and a half as both sides rested.

But at 7:42 p.m. the silence was broken. Flairs lit up downtown. From all corners of Bicentennial Park Oldsville firefighters sprayed the crowd with water. Over 100 officers from OPD and other agencies rushed the crowd of old ladies firing hundreds of rounds of jelly beans, subduing them.

A smoked filled downtown obscured a full moon as complete silence gripped both sides and calm was restored to our lovely city.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember to bring your gas mask and wear your jelly bean proof vest when you come to next weekend's "Art's for Art's Sake" festival here in Oldsville.

Next, I'll blog all over you from Pelitle,Fla. where the local school district is making some drastic changes to improve student test scores.

Terrorists paranoia

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 17:02:00 +0000

By JT Seravat

Moolaville, Fla. (SWG) -Word spread through the commercial districts, expensive condos, gated communities and the residential slums of Moolaville, Fla. on Thursday. The word — the town of 38,090 was under seige.

The Whittier Bank on East Ohio Avenue was surrounded by agents from the FBI, Secret Service, Homeland Security, Treasury Department and the United States Post Office Thursday morning.

Seravat Writers Group has pieced together the story from the 9-1-1 tapes, official police reports and eye witnesses.

The tapes show that at approximately 8:33 a.m. an anonymous caller to local police stated the “dome on top of the Whittier Bank was really a high-powered radio transmitter and receiver that was being used by the 'A-RABS' to send messages about terrorist acts.”

The Moolaville Police Department immediately called the FBI in Apmat, Fla. and within an hour the bank building with the suspicious dome was surrounded by more than 200 city, county, state and federal law enforcement officers.

Within minutes of their arrival FBI agents took the lead in the investigation.

“As within the bureau's policy and under the guidelines of the Patriot Act we are in charge,” said FBI Public Information Officer Red McClumsy.

And boy, were they in charge.

FBI agents found native Moolavillian and current president of the Whittier Bank Mike Carrier at his home. They dragged him from his kitchen table at gunpoint to a waiting car and brought him to the parking lot of the bank. It was then he was told by FBI agents to “open the bank door or die like a dog.”

Carrier then advised the agents the keys were at his home, since he had forgotten them while being threatened with death by the agents.

Not a problem for the FBI. Off went several agents back to Carrier’s home. Upon entering, one of the agents saw the Carrier’s pet toy poodle “Mumu” playing with what the agent thought were at set of keys.

Mumu was hit by 14 rounds out of a total of 52 rounds fired by the agents.

Turns out the “keys” were in fact, "Mumu's" favorite toy, a stuffed rabbit with shiny eyes.

Mike’s wife, Kathy, in fear for her life, told the agents the keys were hanging on a hook by the door.

Back at the “terrorist” scene, Whittier Bank, agents used the keys to make entry into the building. Climbing into the “dome,” the agents found no “A-RABS” or radio equipment.

What they did find: three bats, 27 dust bunnies, one bikini top; size 38C, and a color photograph of "Mumu" the dog, in its mouth, a small stuffed rabbit with shiny eyes.

Well, this is By JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember to place bulletproof vests on all your dogs and cats before leaving for work in Moolaville, Fla.

Next, I'll blog all over you from the city of Oldsville, Fla. where those old ladies who have gone crazy, AKA, The Maroon Hat Ladies are on the rampage.

Editor’s note: No fictious dogs, either living or dead, were injured in the creation of this fictious story. Get over it.

Christmas boat parade suspect arrested

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 16:14:00 +0000

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Ecineville, Fla. (SWG) -The small coastal hamlet of Ecineville, Fla, population 2,477, became the talk of the nation this week when Ecineville Police arrested Heff Dadius after an undercover officer for the Ecineville Police Department uncovered Dadius’ plot to purchase a mini submarine, load it with torpedoes and blow up boats during the Ecineville Boat Parade, which is held every December.

The news was broadcast nationwide by CNN, MSNBC, NBC and all other major media.

Ecineville Police Chief Trudy Redford announced the arrest on Tuesday. “We have apprehended one Heff C. Dadius after a lengthy undercover investigation revealed the suspect was in the process of gathering the necessary materials and making detailed plans to torpedo boats during the Ecineville Boat Parade,” Redford said."Charges are pending."

My sources at the state attorney’s office maintenance department are telling me that several felonies will be filed along with a misdemeanor for conspiracy to operate a mini-sub in the intracoastal waterway without a permit.

“This is quite a relief,” said Ecineville Mayor Juan Suarez.

Ecineville Boat Parade President Sheila Evinruder was just appalled when she heard the news. “That sick son of a %&&%. Imagine someone even thinking about disrupting our wonderful, beautiful, terrific, outstanding, joyous, admirable, alluring, angelic, appealing, beauteous, bewitching, charming, classy, comely, cute, dazzling, delicate, delightful, divine, elegant, enticing, and excellent parade. They should hang that &^$%(&^) and well, that’s all I have to say." said Evinruder.

Ecinevillians were stunned as the news broke. “I just can’t believe this could happen in our lovely Ecineville,” resident Martha Redingham said.

In order to restore calm in the community, Mayor Suarez invited the public to a press conference and afternoon tea. The press conference was broadcast live nationwide, and the mayor rose to the occasion to calm the populace and let people across the country know the people of the small hamlet were all OK.

“I’m pleased and happy to repeat the news that we have, in fact, caught the predator that supposedly planned to blow up the boats,” said Mayor Suarez. “And as you see, it’s a beautiful day, the beaches are open and people are having a wonderful time. Ecineville, as you know, means ‘friendship,’” he said. Thanks to EPD and the mayor, the children of Ecineville will sleep soundly tonight.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember to install depth charges on your boat if you plan of participating in The Ecineville Boat Parade this December.

Next, I'll blog all over you from the lovely tourist town of Moolaville, Fla. where concerns of terrorism struck the community.

Pigs attack

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 14:49:00 +0000

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Turletown, Fla. (SWG) - Citizens of this town of 11,392 woke up to an unusual crisis this past Tuesday.

"No matter how you look at it, 874 pigs, each weighing between 200 and 400 pounds, wandering through the city, is a problem.," said Turtletown Police Chief Edna Wahwah.

The first 9-1-1 call came in at 4:53 a.m. when Christina Badside reported that six pigs were walking in a line on the sidewalk in front of her home at 22 Doublewe Ave. in Turtletown.

A police unit was dispatched to the scene.

Turtletown Police Officer Teddy Position radioed dispatch at 5:07 a.m. reporting he had arrived on scene and there were dozen of large pigs everywhere.

"The next thing you here on the tape is a scream and the words, 'Wait don't, no no...' then the dispatcher saying, 'Teddy, are you there Teddy' and then silence," said Turtletown Police Public Information Brittany Speckles.

All available units were rushed to the scene and all officers not on duty were called in.

Five 18-wheel pig-hauling trucks were found outside of The Event, the new 24-hour men's club, located just west of the Walson Church of Christ.

The back doors of the trucks were open and the ramps lowered.

The five truck drivers were inside The Event "talking" with some of the "dancers" and were at a loss as to how the trucks were opened.

"We've been in here "visiting" with the young ladies since 1 a.m. and don't have any idea how our trucks were opened," said one driver who would not give his name although he looked a lot like Pat Fartsong, who lives over in Gettle, Fla. with his wife Edna and their four children.

Daylight revealed the magnitude of the pig problem when the Lepsock County Sheriff's Office hang glider did a fly-over (LCSO was forced to sell their helicopter late in 2007 due to budget cuts).

"What I was wondering is how are we going to round up hundreds of pigs? I mean from the air, well, the pigs stretched out over a 9.12 square-mile area. They were everywhere," said LCSO hang glider pilot Wilber Hangmehigh.

Apparently before dawn more than 50 pigs had wandered over the Turtletown Bridge. The pigs were blocking north and southbound rush hour traffic on U.S. 24 Bypass as police and volunteers chased the pigs — and in some cases the pigs chased them.

The bridges had been raised to prevent any more pigs from wandering off onto the highway. Traffic was backed up for miles.

"Are you out of your mind?" was Turtletown Mayor Joe Manego's response to suggestion the 50-caliber machine guns be brought in from the Lepsock County National Guard Amory to slaughter the pigs.

Manego also rejected the idea of using the Army's AH-64 A/D Apache Attack Helicopter that was at the Turtletown Municipal Airport for this weekend's Veteran's Day celebration.

Instead, Manego contacted famed Pig Expert Bert Hanley of Burtude County Community College in Burtrude County, Mont.

Hanley suggested a pig jam to round up the sounder of pigs.

"Yes, I would say with more than 800 pigs on the loose, I would use a pig jam."

"It was first used quite effectively in Rogainnen, Norway," Hanley continued, "At that time, more than 2,100 pigs escaped from a pig rehabilitation farm. If the authorities hadn't come up with the pig jam idea, those pigs could have overrun Yougagin Castle."

According to Hanley, Norweigen scientists and a lower-secondary school music teacher, Asbjorn Zacharissen, determined the pigs will walk toward the sounds of a band consisting of two accordians, a soprano yodeling, a man banging an aluminum garbage can with his wooden leg and three reporters banging their heads against a wall. A rather odd "band."

Who could know?

Turtletown authorities wasted no time forming the band.

Using large amplifiers, the "band" started playing, and within an hour all 874 pigs were rounded up and back in the trucks.

And in the new American tradition of untalented, unqualified and untrained people rising to the top of American culture, the "band" now known as "The Swine Sounders" has been invited to compete on the national television show, American Talent.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember to stay in your homes until the turkey delivery trucks pass through town next Monday.

Next, I'll blog all over you from the lovely center of the state to Ecineville, Fla. where Christmas boats may be under attack.

Government Cost Cutting

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:56:00 +0000

AAs always, try your very best to remain sane as your read, "The Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News." It's time for the wacky and wonderful antics of the fictitious people and events that make the news in our fictitious hometowns across Florida and the nation

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

Hottashell County, Fla. (SWG) - Like many counties across the country that have been faced with having to cut budgets and find alternative ways to generate revenue that is being lost to a declining economy.

Here is Hottashell County, County Administrator Jim Hatchet has come up with $10 million more in cuts than the HC Board of County Commissioners requested.

"I believe this is an opportunity," said Hatchet, "Heck, we should have done this a long time ago. We can save millions with these simple changes that won't really affect our employees or our customers, the citizen of this fine county."

So just what are these "simple changes"?

The "Time 'SChair' Program" — The county is going to sell half of all its office chairs occupied by a who is at a G7 level or lower when there are several of those workers in one location. Two workers will than share one chair: one hour standing, kneeling or laying on the floor and one hour sitting in the lone chair they share. Workers must continue working whether in the chair or not. No lap sitting allowed.

The "Multiple Team Projects Joint Pay Initiative" — "When a project requires more than one person working on it, each employee will receive whatever portion of pay per hour determined by the number of persons working on the project proportional to project completion estimates," according to a county report specify the changes. (Editor's Note: Huh? What does that mean?) We asked HC county spokesperson Twipple Lockhead, "If two people are working on a project together for six hours, each worker receives only three hours pay."

The "Secure Lunch Site Safety Program" — Ever concerned about worker safety, the county is requiring that employees remain in their buildings for their entire nine-hour shift, including thier on-hour unpaid lunch. Special "Lunch Safety Site Cafeterias" are being set up. Lunches ranging from $12.95 (hot dog and a bag of chips) to $36.95 (Caesar salad with grilled chicken product) will be served in all the LSS cafeterias. Soft drinks, coffee or tea: $6.

Some other "simple changes":

Toilet paper is now considered a personal item — bring your own.
Parking passes will be sold starting Monday. Monthly pass: $80. Yearly pass: $1120.
Office supplies — buy all your own office supplies at Hatchet Stationers and receive a 2-percent discount.
Standing around the water cooler, sharing stories, laughing with co-workers — priceless. But unfortunately the water coolers are history. Bottled water: $2. See your supervisor.
Oh, and when you leave work tonight and go to punch your timecard, don't forget to put a quarter in the slot of the time card machine before you insert your card.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember not to forget to bring your TP tomorrow if you work in Hottashell County, Fla.

Next, I'll blog all over you from the lovely center of the state to Turtletown, Fla. where pigs are causing a few "issues."

Florida's wonderful senior drivers

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:34:00 +0000

So keep your arms and legs in this coaster car and enjoy the ride. Here we go.

By JT Seravat

VARAKA, Florida (SWG) - Like many Florida communities this town of 15,893 on Florida's west coast has a large population of senior citizens.

So city officials were busy studying a report of a 10-year study of  senior driving habits released Tuesday by Florida's Office of Senior Studies.

The report, "Drivers Over 85: Habits and Hazards" is a 496-page report detailing everything from "Collisions with Sidewalk Benches: How They Happen and Can They Be Averted?" to "Staying in Your Lane: You Can Do It."

"This report will be a valuable resource to educate our older drivers as to what they are doing wrong and how to correct their driving habits," said OSS Director Bearkus Geta.

"Our hope is to reduce the number of accidents involving senior over 85 by 30 percent over the next five years," Geta added.

Not all of this town's residents were happy with the report's findings and conclusions.
Varaka resident and co-chair of the group, Freedom to Drive: You're Never Too Old, Theodore GelkinTee was swift to react to the report.

"This is a travesty; the state spent millions of dollars to do a study that, at least at first glance, is nothing more than a bunch of anecdotal evidence, which is put together like it's a factual report. It's a canard," said GelkinTee, adding, "This is simply an attempt to take driver licenses away from seniors."

"Anyway, everyone knows it's those damn 20-year-olds in those little souped-up, 4-cylinder foreign cars causing all the problems," GelkinTee said, "That's a fact."

The report summary cites 65 "egregious errors committed by senior drivers on a regular basis."

The top five on the list were:

Having one's attention diverted, or vision blocked, by a small, hyperactive, matted-hair dog wearing a "cute" little coat and /or hat that is allowed to roam free in the vehicle, while yapping constantly because it hasn't had its dog Ritalin.

Forgetting that you're driving your vehicle while you are actually driving your vehicle.

Stopping in the middle of a road for no apparent reason.

Taking more time to make a simple left turn then it takes to do a 180 degree turn of the 1,052-foot long, 82,655-ton United States Naval Aircraft carrier John F. Kennedy in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Failing to sell your big four-door American sedan and signing up for your county's transit service, "Take the damn bus."

"This report will be used as an attempt to take licenses away from seniors over 85 and if it becomes law our organization will fight this all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary. Damn, I'll organize protests and have people handcuff themselves to their cars. We will not allow the state and those damn 20-year-olds to tell us what we can and can't do," said GelkinTee.

Well, this is JT Seravat reporting. I'll see you again with more news from hometowns all across Florida and the good old U.S.A. Until then remember, look both ways before you cross the street here in Varaka, Florida.

Next, I'll blog all over you from the lovely center of the state to Hottashell County where budget cuts  are causing a few "issues."

© 2008 Seravat Writers Group LLC

Coming Soon

tedrankofecineville@yahoo.com (JT Seravat) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 17:22:00 +0000

It's the Mad, Mad World of Your Hometown News